A Blessedly Ordinary Birth Story

Looking out of my two eyes, I saw my feet, for, perhaps, the first time in awhile.  I felt the weight that they had to bear, the unyielding gravitational pull.  And I felt my knees weaken at this pressure.  For the first time in my life, my earthly body seemed nothing less than a burden.  A burden to be borne and endured, not adorned and arrayed.  And I could truly whisper to myself that the promise of the Kingdom to come is surely a blessing and a welcome comfort.

~Nutmeg, 2004

I started blogging when Little Love was 8 months old.  The above was written by me in my (handwritten!) journal after a particularly difficult c-section recovery with her.  I had gained a lot of weight that pregnancy, and the after-effects of the pain medication, coupled with an extremely colicky baby was taking it's toll.  Throw in my stair-stepped children (ages 2,4,5 and 7) and I was seriously pushing the limit of my sanity.  Other moms are more resilient, I'm sure.  But #5 drove me to my knees.  Don't get me wrong, I was so thrilled to have my Little Love.  A traumatic miscarriage one month before conceiving her had cured me of any selfish doubts.  But it was by far the most difficult recovery I've ever had.


Naturally, I've been gun shy ever since.  After Little Dude's existence was made known to us, I was thrilled, but cautious.  Ok, who am I kidding... I was scared sh*tless.   I did not want to go through the fear and anxiety I experienced during the surgery... did not want the horrific recovery... did not want the colicky baby with acid reflux.  I wasn't sure that all of my longing for another little one would turn out to be the best thing for us.

*smile*

The morning of Little Dude's scheduled birth, I explained to DH my need for some Mama time.  I needed to shower, to do my hair, to accomplish some detailed grooming... because I knew it would be at least a week before I would be strong enough to give any attention to detail in regards to personal hygiene.  Sorry, (tmi?) but surgery recovery is no picnic.  And I knew it.

Surprisingly, I was calm.  Begging for prayers from all corners of the internet and real world friends, I was amazed at the effects. I had a game plan, and was following it to the letter.  Baby steps, I decided.  Take one thing at a time.  First step, pack.  Next step, get to the hospital.  And so on from there. At each turn, I would take a deep breath and submit.  Hospital gown?  check.  I.V. line?  check.  Scary consult with the Anesthetist? You betcha. Throughout all of this, my mind focused on something I had read that morning.  A poor woman had revealed on the Faith and Family blog that her husband was caught in the throes of a porn addiction.  My heart ached for her, and I was moved to promise her that I would offer up my sufferings that day for her. Oh, to think that maybe my meager sufferings could aid in his release from that bondage!  My resolve was hardened.

The peace was unbelievable.

There were moments of pain and panic, I will not lie.  I have a slight scoliosis in the base of my spine, and the positioning of the epidural was tricky... and painful.  Having the anesthesiologist ask you which nerves were spazzing out as he pushed the needle one way or the other?  Yeah.  Not pleasant.  Lying down on your side to let the medicine have easier access to that one side that wasn't quite numbing properly? Wondering if they'd have to redo it?  And what about the surgery?  Eeeek.  Yes, there were moments of panic.  DH was not allowed in to the O.R. at that point either.  I had forgotten about that.  He would not be allowed in until I was numbed and the sheet was positioned.  And that added to my anxiety.  To be suffering and in pain and confusion without my stronghold beside me.  That was probably the hardest part. But I remembered my resolve.  I was determined to hang on to my peace.  And the prayers carried me through.

And as the medicine took effect, DH was ushered in.  He took my hand and smiled.

My arms were outstretched and the words of Our Lord took root in me. This is my body... given up for you.  I was fully living this truth at the time that the first incision was recorded.

During the surgery, with all of it's strange sounds and smells, I had my eyes closed.  My doctor asked how I was doing, and the nurse anesthetist said I was smiling.  Strange, huh.  I was thinking about Little Dude, and how we would meet him soon.  And I couldn't wait.

The moment I heard Little Dude... the tears sprang up, unexpectedly.  And as I laughed them away, I remembered that I always cry when I first hear those wails.  They wrapped him up and laid him on my outstretched arm, close enough so I could kiss his face.  My arms still immobile, DH held him in place for me. As my doctors finished their work, I lost all sense of time just gazing at his face.  And during recovery, the protocol at the hospital is for complete skin on skin time.  Having him nurse and snuggling him close made the time go by quickly.  I can barely remember my doctor checking in on me before he headed home.  Something about how it all went well.... and then he was gone.


My doctor.   A few words about him.  He is Catholic, Pro-life and NFP-only.  Knowing that the man who was performing the surgery was most likely in the state of grace gave me a confidence that I hadn't thought of before.  I could almost picture the guardian angels guiding his hands.  He is meticulous.  So much so that he refuses to deliver his own children... afraid that his emotions would cause him to lose focus.  He plays the role of dad then... but for us, he was all business.  And I just love him for that.

After I was home a few days, and reflecting on how God's grace and many prayers carried me through each hurdle of recovery.... (first time up, first shower, removal of bandages, then removal of staples, etc) It dawned on me that it's really all about trust.  Trust in God.  Trust in your caregivers.  Being rolled from the operating table to the recovery bed and then onto my hospital bed.... ever had that done?  They tip you on your side, then lift you by the sheets and plop you on the other bed.  I was completely numb, staring at the floor, as they tipped me one way, and then another.  Totally helpless.  But I had to trust.  If I freaked out just a little, tried to steady myself with my arms... then the IV bag would have gone flying, and in their surprise, the nurses may have lost their grip on me.  And those nurses?  They are good. Protecting my dignity, soothing my fears, all while letting you know that this is routine.  It's done all the time.  And while you are uniquely you... you are also just part of their normal day.  And there is something really comforting in knowing that.

How much more God loves us.  He paralyzes us with his love.  Tips us one way, then another.  Only asking us to trust, not to freak out.

Because his grip on us is secure.

And there is something even more comforting about that.

The Craziness of our Days

I want to remember this time... this blessed time when my entire life is ruled by a little man who is not yet two feet tall.  Who cannot even hold his own head up, and spits up constantly.  Who cuddles and snugs and makes the funniest faces when trying to wake up... and who is the center of our universe these days.


We are in survival mode here in the Nut House.  Those of you with little ones right now know (and are living out!) exactly what I mean.  Other Mamas of littles now grown will nod in remembrance.  It is a crazy time.  But a blessed time of crystal clear priorities...

~The baby is screaming, he must be picked up/changed/fed/held/rocked.

The dishes can wait.

~The children need some family time.  Some games/movies/mom-and-dad/special time....

The laundry can wait to be folded.  Need something? Look in the clean basket.

~Mama needs a shower today.  No, really, it has become a priority.  ;)

The vacuuming will be done later.  Please hold Little Dude, and pass him to another older sibling if he fusses.

~Nap time! Which equals tv time!

Yes, I know the children have been watching all morning.  One more hour this afternoon won't rot their brains too much.  I just need them in one place so I can rest and not worry.



And so it goes.  Our housecleaning is haphazard at best.  DH is trying not to do absolutely everything.  He is such a do-er though.  And the kids are being rallied to constantly step up more and more to help him out.  Sat night their reward was a trip to the movies, how DH managed to stay awake after running errands all day is beyond me.

I stayed home and snuggled with Little Dude.  Because that is all I can manage to do these days.

That is my A- #1 Top Priority.

And I'm going to treasure it for as long as I can....

:)

Ordinary Heroes

I am really liking Little Boo's soccer team.  After two full seasons, I am finally getting to know and feel comfortable with the parents and family situations that encompass this team.  As usual, there are lessons learned at every turn, and I regularly walk away with a renewed sense of gratitude and awe at how God provides and how I feel particularly blessed.


I have a good rapport with Little Boo's coach.  You may remember, in the beginning, how we were a bit concerned about his ...  erm, zealous coaching style.  Having gone through two seasons, though, I have now developed a lot of respect for his level of commitment.  He puts a lot of time and energy into coaching the girls, and all he is asking is that we get them to practice and games on time.  Not really that unreasonable.  And since DH has coached quite a few seasons himself, I can appreciate the frustration of trying to coach a team that is consistently late.  Hard to put in a good one hour practice, when half the team shows up 15 min late.


Furthermore, I think he respects a mom who knows and loves the game... and occasionally still plays.  Even though he teases me for being completely unable to keep my mouth shut during the game,  he also is glad to have Little Boo out there.  Little Boo knows it, and plays her heart out for the team.

But this is all just background.  Social butterfly that I am, the chats I had before and during yesterday's game is the reason for this post.

At the end of the spring season, as I was emerging from my first trimester nausea-haze, I found out that Coach Matt was in the process of getting a divorce.  He and his (soon-to-be) ex-wife seemed on friendly enough terms, and so I had had no idea.  In chatting with some of the moms at that tournament, I found out that the fall season had been impossibly tough for everyone.  The team was awful, and Coach was not mentally there.  They stuck with him, though, and were so grateful for the turn-around that the spring season had brought.  I was impressed.

Coach has a sister... 7 years older than him.  She has become the "acting" mom for his children.  She comes to all of the games and watches his younger son and helps out with his son's soccer team... which he also coaches.  She herself has two sons.  And... she is also divorced.  Apparently her husband is what she called a "deadbeat dad".  Her oldest son plays football.  Guess who is the coach?  That's right, their Uncle.  Coach Matt.  As I watched her sons, ages 12 and 10, run around and tease each other while playing with their cousins, I thought how fortunate they were to have this brother and sister combination to keep them grounded.

In chatting with this woman yesterday, she revealed something else to me.  As the older sibling, she said, she was always protective of her little brother.  Especially, she said, after their Dad died.

Coach Matt was 13.

And I was astounded... almost to tears. To think that this Coach had to navigate the rocky waters of life without a Father, and ends up becoming a Dad as well as a surrogate Dad to his own nephews... and then choosing an authority role as coach for 3 different teams... it was amazing.

These people are not what you'd call the religious type.  I think they go to church, but not on a regular basis.  I'm positive they are not Catholic. And I wonder where they draw their strength from.

To be sure, I don't know all the intimate details of their lives.  I have no idea what the states of the souls are.  But I do know and recognize natural virtue when I see it.

And I have been continually impressed with the way Coach Matt has handled Little Boo's team.  Just the right combination of pushing them to do their best, yet joking around with them, and even sternly telling them when they were not performing the way he knew they could.  My own Dad and DH have been the only other coaches I've ever admired.  So this guy had a lot to live up to.

I came away from the game yesterday with a renewed sense of gratefulness.  God works wonders in people's lives, whether they fully recognize it or not.  He has blessed me with an overabundance of grace and happiness.  Much much more than I deserve.  I look at my family, at my husband who shares this life with me, and I am so very grateful.  At the same time, I do not ever think that I am better than those He chooses to place in my path.  I am continually humbled by the lessons I am learning, because I know that it is most definitely not I that deserves the credit for this blessed life I lead.

In fact, the knowledge of my own sinfulness only makes me cling all the more closer to Him and my Faith in awe and thanksgiving.

Fatherly Advice: Good Sportsmanship Edition

Sports Fan plays goalie for his 12 and under soccer team.  Since he just turned 11, he's not exactly the largest kid on the team.  Yet, he shows a spunkiness in goal that can only be admired....


(during a break in quarters)  
DH(dear husband): Sports Fan, remember that goal you saved?  The one where the kid slide-tackled you just as you got the ball?

SF: Yeah!  That was cool, huh?

DH:  Definitely!  But that was kind of a dirty play on his part.

SF: Oh.... (eyes lighting up) So, should I have punched him or something?

DH: No!  No, no.  But.... if when you're getting up with the ball... and your elbow happens to dig into his ribs there? ....  I'm pretty sure that would be an accident.



:P

Daybook: The Return of the Sun

After two weeks of clouds and rain and a generally unsettled weather pattern, we finally have sun.  With one day being a high of 86 this past week, it's been a strange July.  


Outside My Window...

Clouds and sun, battling for possession of the sky.  I have confidence that by the end of it, the sun will prevail.  Maybe it is wishful thinking on my part, since it has been far too long since my tired face has felt it's penetrating rays.


I Am Listening To...

Three of my children play Sequence.  All of them can play, and they take turns graciously (erm... sometimes).  But what I love is that even the littlest can play with some competitiveness.  Simply match the card in your hand to the one on the board... and try to get 5 in a row. We've pulled the plug on unlimited tv and computer games... so the board games are starting to emerge from the playroom closet.


I Am Wearing...

Maternity jean shorts, a v-neck top and brown crocs.  My hair is pulled back into a messy bun.  I was hoping to spend the day poolside, but the dishwasher repairman is due between 12-4.  :P
However, being without a dishwasher for a week makes me grateful that today is the day!


I Am So Grateful For...

My husband, who has been slaving away in our master bathroom this weekend.  It's been a messy demolition process, but that part is finally finished.  And we are getting really excited as we begin the tiling and painting.


I'm Pondering...

These two quotes...

When you go global and give your life away, you will see the world differently.  You will understand why cul-de-sacs can't contain God. You will see God as you've never seen Him before-- wonderfully ginormous.  That is a right idea of God. ~True Religion

It should be possible to say of each one of us at the end or our lives, as it was said of Jesus, He went about doing good.  We have to do good within our own families, among our colleagues at work, and among our friends, and even those people we just chance to come across. As disciples of Christ we have to be sowers of fraternity whatever occasions and circumstances life brings with it. ~In Conversation With God

And I hope to expand my thoughts in a later post.  We'll see if my brain is up to the task.
:)


I Am Reading...

True Religion, In Conversation With God, and will soon start Theopohilus.  Heavy stuff.  Very thought-provoking and soul searching.


I Am Thinking...

About perception, and writing.  And sharing.  About friendships and mercy.  Lots of conversations.. internal and with friends... have fueled these thoughts.  Plenty to ponder, and no clear answers.  At least, no pat "one size fits all" answer. God has a different call, a different path for each of us to trod.  I am no huge force on the internet, and I am truly grateful for that.  But I do love the written word... and will continue to bumble along in this space as best as I can, for this is the equivalent of our family "scrapbook"... a keepsake for me and my children. To remember, laugh and reminisce.


I Am Creating...

Beauty in our master bathroom.  Painting this week, while DH does the tiling.  I am off in a moment to get more paintbrushes and round up the troops.  We will wait for the dishwasher dude while painting cabinet doors and bathroom walls and window ledges. 


On My Ipod...

Lots of Weepies... including their new single.  And our new BNL album is uploaded and being played ad nauseam... in preparation for our next night out.  Yes, concert #2 is on the horizon.
:)

 
Towards a Real Education...

Still in summer mode, but getting ready for fall.  We continue our math drills, handwriting and word problems.  My task is to get up to speed on the fall co-op plans.  Exciting stuff!


Towards Rhythm and Beauty...

This bathroom re-do is taking up all of our time, but we're still managing laundry and chores... somehow.  Buckling down on the kids is a pain, but I'm hoping (and praying!) that better habits are taking shape.


To Live the Liturgy...

Confession this week, and mass at least one extra time.  Baby steps, baby steps.


I Am Hoping and Praying...

For a renewed sense of urgency in prayer.  My kids are growing up so quickly, and there have been a few situations arise that I haven't handled well.  A constant flow of inspiration from the Holy Spirit would be very helpful these days.


In the Garden...

The tomatoes are done.  We got a good two or three dozen out of our plants, and have eaten them all up.  I am officially addicted to fresh tomatoes on a chicken salad sandwich for lunch.  Unfortunately, the store bought ones aren't cutting the mustard (or mayo... in this case).


Around the House...

Laundry today.  And cleaning for a mid-summer bbq on Sunday.  Good food and good friends are a much-needed respite from the summer doldrums!


From the Kitchen...

No plans yet today.  The peach pie is gone, and we are full force into ice cream-mode for dessert these days.  Maybe Little Dear can whip up a batch of cookies this afternoon.


One of my Favorite Things...

Little Love's freckles.
:)


A Few Plans for the rest of the Week...

Cleaning and painting.  Soccer on Saturday, including an MLS game Sat night with Lil Sis and my girls.  It's our version of a "girlie night."
;P

He

He is the presence of protection in the house.  The strength and fortitude behind my actions.  Invisible mountain underneath my weak will and wearied arms.

He supports his family.  Right now working two jobs... just until the baby comes. To provide for this unplanned joy.  Gone for 12 hours, one job to the next, he labors for us.

He sees me resting, tells me not to get up.  Grabs the mop and bucket and cleans. After all of his duties, he gives even more. 

His face lights up as the youngest twirls in front of him.   Scooping her up, he kisses her as she squirms away.  He is the measure of Love and affirmation.  The one they turn to with hope-filled eyes.  The one they can't wait to tell... No, I'll tell Dad.

He lovingly relates to the difficult child. The one who ruffles all the feathers... the one who just moments before had been the cause of a massive meltdown.  The one who is now seeking forgiveness.  Forgiveness through relating.  And patiently, he gives it.

He is not perfect.  He comes to me in the morning, wakes me with kisses, and whispers in my ear.  And the darkness and pain from the previous day vanishes. Sunshine bursts through and all is set right.  We smile, eyes crinkling at the corners.  14 years of marriage, 19 years of knowing.  Half my life.

:)


No, it's not our anniversary... just a long overdue post. :)

You Wish You Were Me

Because we are doing something AWESOME this holiday weekend!

We plan to celebrate the 4th in true Nut-House style...

betcha can't guess.

Gotcha!  Yes, he really is supposed to be tearing out our master bathroom floor.
In fact, he thinks it's fun!
Right, Action Man?

Our shower.  With drills.  Very artistic.

What?  Doesn't everyone keep their toilet in the jetted tub...

... and the tank on the floor of their bedroom?
On a tarp?
With old towels?

See?
You do wish you were me.

Told-ja so.

Happy 4th Y'all!!

:P

When He's Gone

Mornings are spent assessing the day.  Coffee in hand, eyes searching the rooms of the house.

What can be done..
what needs to be done...
how to pass the day...
make it go by faster....

Children are restless, what are we doing today, Mama? Is a question that rings in my ears... echoing off the empty walls.  Empty now for only one reason.

He is gone.  On a business trip.  On a family trip.  The reason is not important, just the absence.  And the yawning of the days in front of me... days that must be filled.  Filled with purpose and accomplishment.

And maybe?  A bit of joy and memories?  To report to Him when He comes home to us again?  That we did survive, that we did enjoy?  That it was okay for him to leave...

Afternoon, and I am in the kitchen, scrubbing away breakfast and lunch dishes.  Children are full, resting and reading, and I am alone with my thoughts.  Dinner, afternoon activities, and evening time.  All are a-jumble and I try to focus on the task at hand.  Try to mentally fill the hours of the afternoon, trying to juggle the necessary with the superficial.  Do I really need to stop at the store?  Can it wait?  Who can I leave home?  How will it work in the plans for the day?

Dinner time, and His place sits empty.  The kids clamor to fill it, but I refuse.  Another battle I simply cannot initiate.  Who sat in Papa's seat last night?  No.  Amidst all the other 'battles' and 'turns', this one will not be among them.

Dishes and feet scrubbed, sweet-smelling hair and children tucked in.  Doors and windows are locked... front door made extra secure.  I follow the children up the stairs and run my own bath.  It is my own little secret... to not be downstairs alone at night in the quiet.  My oldest, almost a man himself, reads in my bed as I soak in the other room.  His presence is comforting somehow. 

In a day or so... He will be home.  And the rhythm of the house will return, and all will be as it should be.  His footsteps coming downstairs in the morning as He heads off to work.  His key in the lock when He returns home. I will breathe again, and life will resume.

In the meantime,  we will wait, and fill our days. 



Note to concerned family and friends... (and especially any people with malicious intent...) this post was written after the fact. DH is safe and sound at home now... :)

How Ironic...

... that as I wait to hear from my DH as to exactly what flight he will be arriving on tonight, ~having spent a fun weekend with his friends up in Vancouver~

We end up experiencing the exact weather that my Pacific NW DH loves best... and has been oh-so-rare here in North Texas...

RAIN RAIN RAIN

MORE CLOUDS

RAIN RAIN RAIN

Can't wait for him to come home!

:)

Oh, The Power...

...one can wield as the Budget-meister!

Not only can I decide how much to allot for groceries, allowances, and other needed purchases, I also get to label these purchases on my precious excel spreadsheet.

Not impressed?

How about when your DH calls the garage door repairman without consulting the almighty budget-meister and ends up shelling out a whopping $500?!?

The entry on my spreadsheet can now read:

Papa's Fault... $500

:)

But yes, I will admit, my DH, that it is nice to able to open the garage door from inside the car and close it behind me as I leave, as well as pull right back into the shade when we come home.

I know you were only thinking of me and our darling peanuts...

:)

My New Job Title...

... is the "Budget-meister."

A month ago, DH forced upon me gently handed me the reins to the family budget and wished me luck.

With a smirk on his handsome face.

During that first trial period, after paying the bills, and watching in horror as our available balance sank like the Titanic, DH would saunter up to me and ask smugly....

"So, do you think we could buy a new... rug/faucet set/pool/dishwasher/car?"

I would give him the look of death and hunch back over the keyboard, furiously crunching the numbers, to make sure we didn't go NSF on any of our payments. Every day as he left for work I would remind him....

"Remember, we have no money... 'K? None. NADA."

The amusement in his eyes was maddening.

You see, He has been playing the devil's advocate, to get back at me for the years of my money mis-management in which I had forced him to borrow from the proverbial Peter to pay Paul. Nothing serious like maxed out credit cards or collections calls, but more of just a real lack of awareness on my part as to how difficult it had been for him to balance everything out, paycheck to paycheck.

So, I bear him no ill will for this bit o' fun he is having with me as I come to the full realization of exactly how tight things are for the Nut House these days. It has been a good thing, after all, since we are now united in our efforts to save and cut back, instead of my DH being the bad guy all the time, in having to say no. Now we consult together, and plan our projects out in advance according to time and resources available.

But I am not above giving him a stern look and maybe even a quick swat if he dares to mention making a trip to L*wes or that other Orange Store without consulting The Royal Budget-meister first.

:)

Guy Speak

Taken from an actual shopping list for Lowes.... compliments of my DH:

1. vacuum bags
2. spray stuff
3. roof thing
4. couch feet

And therein lies the proof, fellow wives and mothers, that we are not the only ones who suffer from "what-the-h*ll-is-that-thing-a-mah-hoo-called??" syndrome.

As long as we know what we mean.


:)