I've been reading
this book for the past few months. DH picked it up on a recommendation from someone else, and we've been tag-teaming back and forth with it, discussing the different chapters we completed.
To say I love it is an understatement. There are some interesting lessons in here about discipline and communication, great pointers on how to re-claim (
collect was the word they used) your kids if you feel that they have been lost to their peers.
But the part I am completely digging right now is Chp. 18:
Re-Create the Attachment Village.This chapter is mainly for those families where both parents must work, (or single-parent families), outlining how vital it is for these kids to form attachments to the adults who must care for them outside of their own home, instead of to the other peers. However, it is also an important concept for those of us who do not have extended family close by. Or if, as unfortunately often happens, your extended family would not be a good influence on your children:
Many adults now in their 40s or beyond recall childhoods in which the village of attachments was a reality. Neighbors knew one another and would visit one another's home. The parents of friends would act as surrogate parents to other children. Children played in the streets under the gaze of friendly, protective adults.
For many of us, that attachment village no longer exists. The social and economic underpinnings that used to support traditional cultures have vanished. Gone are the cohesive communities, where extended families lived in close proximity, where children grew up with mentoring adults who did their work close to home, where cultural activities brought together generations.
Only in the context of an attachment village can we create "homes" for children in the truest sense. What makes a village a village is the connections among the people. Connections also make the home, whether they be to the home itself or to the people in it. We truly feel "at home" only with the people we are attached to. In traditional attachment communities a child never had to leave home - he was at home wherever he went. (emphasis mine)
This is exactly what I have been trying to do with and for my kids from the very beginning. I had no idea about any of the philosophy behind it, but I wanted my children to feel "at home" wherever we went, and I would go out of my way to plan play dates at people's homes, and invite potential baby sitters over for the afternoon, and really foster friendships with those families whom we
all felt drawn to.
The neighborhood in which we now live is shaping up to be just that kind of "village," from our friends across the street who let our kids into their backyard when their girls get home from school (and we'll chat over some wine as they play) to the old lady (Miz Ann) at the other end who assured me that she loves to watch my kids play out front and not to worry, since she's always keeping an eye on them.
And while there are only two families on our street in which I feel comfortable letting my kids go inside their house, it is still a far cry from how most neighborhoods are. And that really is a shame.
We need to value our adult friends who take an interest in our children.
The way we socialize needs to change. Socializing also tends to be peer-oriented in North America, splitting along generational lines. To create villages of attachment, our socializing would need to cultivate hierarchical connections. During our stay in Provence, we saw that socializing almost always included the children. The adults took the lead in "collecting" the children. This kind of family socializing took us by surprise at first, but it made perfect sense from an attachment perspective. The greater the number of caring adults in a child's life, the more immune he or she will be to peer orientation. (emphasis mine)
I have already experienced this with my own kids. Case in point. Friday night, I hosted a group of wonderful ladies at my home for our monthly Bunco get together. (
Highly recommend this! Loads! of! fun!) When the first Mom arrived, my three girls went running out to her car, gave her big hugs, and talked her ear off for about 10 minutes straight. She is one of the most kid-friendly Moms I know, and gave them her full, undivided attention (as best she could, since they were all talking at once...) responding with enthusiasm at all of their little stories of conquests and loose teeth and whatever else they were regaling her with. All of my close friends are like this with my kids. (and it is no mere coincidence that they are therefore, "close" friends) They take a genuine interest in my children's thoughts and activities, and engage them in meaningful conversations on whatever topic is at hand. As a result, my children have many "homes" in our little town. Many safe havens where they can go if I need someone to care for them.
And as my kids get older, and need another perspective on life or love or why Mom is making me dump the dishwasher?
I have a whole village they can consult.
:)
