Looking back at the change that has taken place in me these past 11 years, the transformation from a know-it-all college grad into a full-fledged mother... I am astounded.
Astounded that God has taken a self- absorbed, self-seeking individual and achieved a metamorphosis that seemed at one time to be impossible.
When DH and I were first married, it seemed a natural result of the love we had for each other, to extend it to a third party. Within our first month of marriage, we acquired a cat.
:)
To our defense, we were eager to have children, but God's timing was to postpone that event. Of course, He truly knew best. We conceived Action Man at the end of my first year teaching, and gave birth to him during my second year. I squeaked through that year, bringing him to school with me, directing the play, and just barely surviving the insanity of it all. DH graduated with his MBA, and I never worked outside of the home again.
My work took what I thought to be an alarming turn. You'd think that being the oldest of 6, I would have some sort of an inkling of what I was getting myself into.
Nope. I was pretty clueless. (
remember how self-centered I said I was?? yeah. God had his work cut out for Him.)
And so, when Action Man reared his screaming head, I was stunned. I was even more flabbergasted when I realized that this screaming thing was here to stay. God had seen fit to bless my first born with a severe case of colic. Unable to nurse, spending gobs of money on formula, working my tail off while recovering from an emergency c-section, I was a wreck.
In short, God threw me to my knees.
Which is where He wanted me all along.
In blessing me with such a needy child, and then 2 more births in quick succession, God was going cold turkey on me in the selfishness cure. No "miracle patch" for me. No siree. I suddenly found myself surrounded by irrationality with no time to read, write or pee. My only vivid memory of that time was the three of them: Action Man, Sports Fan and Little Dear (ages almost 3, 1, and 2 months respectively) lined up on my bed, ready for their diaper change. Yes, three in diapers at once. It's quite a war story.
It's also a love story.
God was pursuing me. He sought to change me, to mold me into something better, a more productive worker for the harvest of souls. He knew that the only way he could force me outside of myself was to place a loved one in my care. And just for insurance, to place many little loved ones in my care. He knew that a mother cannot ignore the needs of her child. That the midnight wail, the hourly call to duty would not fail to re-mold a heart hardened by selfishness. That the first bend to another happens automatically in the will of a new mother. An eagerness to serve, to soothe the cries and nourish the heart, soul, and stomach of this precious child comes first without a second thought.
Until, overnight it seems, this clueless 20-something woman is transformed.
It is no wonder, then, that the awesomeness of God comes to us in the tender form of the infant Jesus. Who can deny Him his due? Who can turn away from His cries? Who can refuse Him?
“There is nothing more mysterious than infancy, nothing so small and yet so imperious. The infancy of Christ has opened a way to us by which we can surrender self to Him absolutely, without putting too much pressure on our weak human nature.”
(Wood of the Cradle, Wood of the Cross)
God, in His all-knowing, all-merciful way, chooses to come to us humbled and makes it easy for us to submit. He coaxes us to bend our ways ever so gently towards His will by having us first gaze into the eyes of the Christ-Child. We forget ourselves and all of our grandiose plans, and instead look for ways to please this most precious infant, even to the point of radically re-shaping our entire lives.
:)
