Sorrow

It is with great sadness that I read this morning that Charlotte has lost her little one.

Please join me in prayer today for her and her family as they deal with this great loss.

No News is....

... still no news.

:P

Actually, I do have some good news. My blood test results came back normal... well, normal for being pregnant. So, the hormones have kicked in and with my progesterone supplementation, things are going well.

On Thursday I get to "meet" the newest peanut via ultrasound.

I'm begging DH to come with me, and he replied that he would and then we'd go out to celebrate at Starbucks.

He's so optimistic, I love it.

I, on the other hand, am about as steadfast as an ice cream cone in the Texas summer. Any inkling of trouble and I melt.

For example? We were hit with the stomach bug last week, and I was feeling the effects as well. As I panicked to DH that I was not going to make it through 3 months of this wretched morning sickness, he pointed out quite logically that I probably had the same virus the kids had. Sure enough, yesterday morning I woke up feeling a billion percent better. My happiness was fleeting, though, since I then immediately worried that something had happened to the baby.

sigh

For the most part, though, I prod through the days, hopeful and sometimes even joyful at what may transpire. Remaining in the present, though, is by far the hardest thing for me to do. But it such a good lesson for me to learn.

And so this has formed and transformed my Lent. God has His plans. I am doing my best to put one foot in front of the other and lean on Him through it all.

:)

The Rollercoaster of Emotions...

... and choosing not to get strapped in, is a very hard thing to do.

With the unexpected thrill of this pregnancy comes a mountain of fear and worry.

There are times when I am almost positive I am about to miscarry, and I rush to the bathroom.
I also tend to want to distance myself from this new life, not get too attached.
But then I find myself stroking my stomach and willing that we meet in this life.
And I want to take a picture of my emerging "bump" and cherish it.

Mostly, though, I worry.

I'm not sick enough, I'm not tired enough, what was that sharp pain? how come I want to vacuum? shouldn't this raw meat send me over the edge? should I be lifting this box?

It takes all of my mind's strength (and constant prayer) to focus on the present.

I am pregnant... now.
This little one is with us.... now.
My children are joyous... now.

Who knows how long our newest peanut will be with us? And any time I am allowed is a privilege and an honor.

In every moment, I choose to love, to trust, and to be joyful. The alternative only brings stark sadness, and will not help to alter what God has willed for us.

I'm trying to keep my feet firmly planted in faith and hope, and pass on that dizzying ride of despair.

:)

Only Five

Only five, I answer the woman, apologetically
as she peels and chops tomatoes, her life swirling around her.
Her children are numerous, and they run and dance
as she laughs and brushes them away.

Only five, I answer hesitantly as the woman bristles in dismay.
Her glance disdains a life ill-lived
and her coldness clucks at her tongue
as the icicles stab further into her own unloved heart.

Only five, I whisper to my Maker
agony and pain clenching my heart.
He holds me up and begs me to see
to fix my eyes on Him and trust His plans.

Only five, I sob to my friend
the dearest to me in the world.
She takes my hands and honors me
with a share in the life of one of her own...

to hold and protect, to pray for and love with.
She points to my heart, reveals the love and the care
for those far and those underfoot and near
showing me how very full and so very rich
only five can be.

Living and Loving Life

Today is a day for joy here at the Nut House.

My second younger sister has given birth to a beautiful baby boy, giving me the status of "Auntie" for the first time on my side of the family.

The pictures she sent were of a beautiful, peace-filled home birth. The fortitude and strength of husband and wife laboring together were awe-inspiring and makes me long even more for one more chance to work that hard with my husband to bring such joy into this troubled world.

Our love and prayers are with them especially today as they enjoy their first full day with our little nephew...

:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I received a phone call from a local friend.

She is a new friend, having just moved here from the east coast, so her husband could pursue a graduate degree at the local Catholic university. She is a kindred spirit, with 5 peanuts of her own, in the same gender order as mine, and a home schooler to boot.

We get along wonderfully.

She has a tough story to tell. Her mother has recently died, and being newly pregnant and living in a strange town among people she does not know, makes it a lonely time for her.

And now God has thrown her a curve ball.

Her littlest child growing inside her has died. And now she is struggling through yet another time of grief in much the same way that I did so long ago. As she waits for nature to take it's course, I know too well her feeling of limbo and pain. Even though it was 5 years ago, it still feels like yesterday, as evidenced by my breaking down on the phone while talking with her husband. The pain is still so fresh, just below the surface. The loss is still so painfully real.

And the beauty and the pain of it all just sears my heart and the tears come pouring down.

And I have to let them.

Perspective

Larger than life
throws you
take a deep breath

feel your mortality

rain and tears
clear the air
sharpens the eyes

sharpens your view

life and not
pain and love
joy in both

beauty in all

A New Life... and An Angel in Heaven.

Two women woke up this morning, making ready for a visit to their ob/gyn.

One is 9 months pregnant, bursting with the new life that is ready to enter the world. Her 6 other children crowd around her to see her off, eager to see and hold their new baby sister... She is being held up in prayer today by so many, as she and her husband journey to the hospital.

Joy and love and hope.

The other woman is newly pregnant, and very nervous. Her 5 children have been told that it looks like the baby has died, and her trip to the ob this morning is to confirm this. The joy and hope that had surrounded her and her friends and family these past few weeks has given way to sorrow and fear, and then acceptance.

God's will in all things.

The first woman is my best friend, Lisa. We expect a phone call soon to tell us of the birth of their new daughter, our goddaughter. She has been in our prayers all day. I wish I could be there...

The second woman, as you might have guessed, is me. The "exciting news" I had wanted to share was of this unexpected joy of a new life. Unfortunately, God's will has been to postpone this new addition and we are devastated. Yesterday was the hardest, since by the afternoon it was obvious that this little one was not going to make it. Today I am better, more accepting and trusting, but it's still hard.

Pray for us.

And pray for my friend, Lisa. What hope and joy and love will surround that little one when she makes her appearance! I can't wait to see her and hold her.

What comfort.

Perspective

Life in a Nutshell
Just to expand on my lovely post from yesterday...

I know miscarriage is a hard topic, mostly because people don't know how to deal with it. They (usually) understand that there has been a loss, but don't know what to say to the Mom. "I'm sorry for your loss" is a good one. Just don't ever ignore it, no matter how strong the Mom might appear. I had a good friend who never mentioned anything to me, and as a result, we drifted apart. I was so hurt by her (seeming) disregard for what I was going through..... I was literally a walking tomb for a week, since my body hadn't actually started the process of miscarrying until a week after I found out that Gianna had died.... I thought my friend was being pretty insensitive, especially since I saw her the day after I found out! As it turns out, she was just trying to take her cue from me. And I'm of the old "suck it up" school, and don't let people in on your feelings.

I remember I actually told a friend I had miscarried, and when she said, "Oh, I'm sorry" I said, "that's ok" and she (rightly so) said "no, it's not!" and gave me a big hug, and I burst into tears...

I remember when I returned from that o.b. appointment, and I picked up DD#2 from my friend's house; my little 14 month old looked so huge, and all of a sudden, my family of four seemed so small. Even my husband remarked that he couldn't imagine having only four kids...he definitely wanted more!

I know women who have gone through many miscarriages, and some of those being very late in the pregnancy. I know of women who have had cesareans to deliver a little angel who is stillborn. And even after having gone through that heart break once or twice, or even more, they still actively try to conceive and have more babies. They are true heroes, true saints. They are some of the strongest people I know....

I admire them so much.

Gianna

Life in a Nutshell
Exactly 2 years ago, I went to my ob/gyn's office for a routine check-up on my in-utero 9 week old angel. As we chatted, Dr. McDonald searched my belly for a heartbeat.

None.

I wasn't too concerned, since this would be the first time I would hear the heartbeat. (outside of the professional sonogram I had done a week earler...which showed everything to be normal) So, we went to the next exam room to check things out on his sono. He looked grim as he said he couldn't see too well, could we do an internal sono? Sure, I said, trying not to panic. He said, "Gee, I hope nothing is wrong..."

His nurse came in and we proceeded with the internal sono. I looked at his face and said, "No?"

He shook his head grimly.

I started sobbing. He turned the monitor towards me and I saw her...

Perfectly formed little one, head, leg and arm buds, and her heart...totally still.

I named her Gianna Francis, not knowing for sure if she was a boy or girl. But knowing the legacy that (now) St. Gianna had left behind. She had to die so another may live. Two months later we conceived Mae, and she is perfect...

I came across this poem during my grieving:

Do you know yet,
Mother mine,
Why I came and why I left?

I came to fill you with Joy,
I left to fill you with emptiness
which only our Jesus can fill.

Where you are,
Mother mine,
grief opens you to seek Him.

Where I am,
there is only joy.
We do not have to seek Him.

And He has prepared a place for you,
Mother mine. Seek Him.
And do not be afraid.
-C. DeVet



I pray today for all mothers who have known the pain of miscarriage.