Because Sometimes, It IS Just Me

Actually, I'm pretty sure it's always me.

:P

I was invited to a mom's night out Wednesday evening.  It was for a new homeschooling group in the area, a Catholic one, with many wonderful moms.

I didn't go.  Not because of Little Dude, or DH's work schedule, or the craziness of soccer practices....
Not because of the women there... they are all so wonderful and lovely and joy-filled.

I didn't go because I didn't want to.

I didn't want to paste a smile on my face and share a recipe, I didn't want to make myself presentable, re-fresh my make-up and laugh at the craziness of my days.  I didn't want to sit and chat.

I just... couldn't.

My days are too raw right now.  My temper too fragile.  My nerves too totally and completely shot.  Two weeks into doing the juggling act between homeschooling and homework, between stay-at-home and drive-to-school, between sleep-in and get-up-and-get-out...  and I am tired.

We bloggers have to walk a fine line.  Too much real-deal stuff and people won't read. It's depressing.  Too much sunshiney-happy-faced stuff, and people won't read.  It seems fake.

So it goes in the real world.  

I couldn't handle happy-shiny Wednesday evening. I needed heart-to-heart. I needed real. I wonder how many other homeschooling moms need that, needed that instead.

I don't know how to provide that. I'm too choleric.  I'm too melancholic.  And I'm sarcastic.... a NYer to the core.  It's a horrible combination sometimes, but there you have it. My IRL friends are gems.  They put up with me. I dare say they even love me, in spite of it all.

And while I am grateful for the happy women, I also crave the real.  The down-to-earth, the nitty-gritty, the wow, this is just too damn hard, let's get a drink!

So, DH and I will be going out tomorrow night.  To get that drink, and have that chat.

Thank goodness he loves me, melancholic-choleric-NY-sarcasm and all....


:)

Daybook: Second Week of School

I can't believe how quickly the time is flying by now. We are just starting our second week of school for all of the kids, even the homeschooled ones. Little Dude is walking, and I'm able to be away from him for a few hours at a time now, if need be. And the weather has finally turned. Finally. More on all of this throughout my daybook. 


Outside my window~

Sunshine. Blue skies. COOL temps. High of only 84 today... yes, only. We went from 100's to 80's in 2 days.  Lows at night in the 60's. Fall is here!!


I am listening to~

My two homeschoolers fighting. Oy. It's snack time, and apparently making the lemonade is sending them over the edge.


I am wearing~

Khaki shorts and long sleeve melon-colored v-neck shirt. Bare feet. Of course.

(on the ferry heading up the Georgia Strait)


I am so grateful for~

Cooler weather. After over 65 days straight of triple digits, the cooler breezes seem miraculous. Indeed, they are. I am SO grateful.


I am pondering~

The balance of homemaking.  Specifically, a home that is kid-friendly, but neat. Our house will never be Pottery-Barn perfect. Our furniture is mostly hand-me-downs... and when I have toddlers running through it hither and yon, I'm glad for that. I can let go of my worry about our things and focus on our company.  However, I also know that children love beauty and order. How to balance both. How to not obsess but be organized. It may seem like a no-brainer, but this is hard for me.


I am reading~

Just finished The Help for book club.  Highly. Recommend.  My goodness, what an amazing read. 
I'm now reading Innocent Blood for book club, and The Children's Homer for the Lit class I teach.


I am thinking~

About my school kids. All day I think about them, checking their schedules, seeing what class they are in, and I pray for them.  They are doing so well at school. I can hardly believe it. 

(excuse the early-morning, Papa-in-a-hurry shot)


I am creating~

New bedrooms. DH and I, side-by-side. Boo and Love's room is finished.  We painted the boys' room yesterday. DH is building lofts. It's slow, but we are making progress. What a crazy time. 


On my iPod~

Lots of painting music.  :)

(view from our bedroom at the beach house... sigh)



Towards a real education~

Our co-op is going really well. Little Dear's classes are more challenging this year, but not overwhelming. It's a good balance. We went on a nature walk this morning. It was glorious. I think we need to do that a bit more this Fall. 


Towards rhythm and beauty~

Less kids at home mean less mess. It's really true. But it also means less hands to help if I need it. Little Dude is so much happier now that he's more mobile. I can get some chores done! And also? I can write more. How I've missed it!

(Little Dude at the beach house)



I am hoping and praying~

For Suzanne, and Charlotte, and many other intentions. 


In the garden~

Need to re-plant. I can't wait until this weekend when I can go and buy fall blooms!!


Around the house~

The smell of paint and wood stain. How fun!

(missing our family in Canada... right Little Boo?)


From the kitchen~

I've been baking. :)  Apple pie and carrot cake, for starters. The promise of fall brings out the domestic side of me.



One of my favorite things~

Yummy kitchen smells. :)




A few plans for the week~

Our calendar is starting to fill up. Soccer practices, Irish step dance, Night out for mom, soccer tournament this weekend, a coffee get-together... it's nice to get back into socializing again!



A picture thought~

(from our trip to the Sunshine Coast, British Columbia, Canada)


:)

Little Boo Goes to School

Sparing everyone all the details, (you're welcome...)

(To my local friends? sorry. I've put y'all through a LOT)


:P


Little Boo is now attending a private school.

Batten down the hatches.

We made our decision to send her with the boys 3 days before school started. It was the kind of thing that had been in the back of our brains all summer, and just fell neatly into place all at once.

God likes to keep us on our toes.

The night God whispered in my ear about this, was the night I met Little Boo's teacher.
She is a young college grad, married, working towards her masters.  She was very polite and professional when talking with me, but I saw it, just for a millisecond...  that mischievous glint in her eye.  And my shoulders relaxed and I knew it. Just knew.

She was perfect for my Little Boo.


And so the stories... how they come tumbling out when Little Boo bounces into the car at the end of the day.
The boys drag their tired bodies and humongous backpacks out to us, but Little Boo bounces.  Right next to Little Dude, she alternates between talking to him in the strangest "babytalk" voice ever... (a cross between Wallace and King Julian) ... and regaling me with the more um.... interesting parts of her day.


Day #1. After morning prayer in the cafeteria, Little Boo, eager to get to her classroom, grabbed her backpack and ran upstairs... to an empty classroom.  After waiting like... 20 minutes (so she tells me) she started back downstairs and ran smack into... her teacher, with her classmates lined up neatly behind her.  

Well, hey you, she says. Where ya been?

And that's how Little Boo met her teacher.





Day #2.  She purchased some starbursts from the snack machine. (Oy, that snack machine... how I wish it would go. away.)  Lunchtime ended all too soon, and Little Boo still had 3 starbursts left. Being mindful of the rule "absolutely NO food in the classroom," she quickly shoved the starbursts in her mouth.


Wrappers and all.


I looked at her, horrified.  You ate the wrappers?
Yup! she said brightly, patting her stomach. Not too bad, either!


Day #3. Little Boo finishes with her math facts worksheet.  And she's the first one! All excited, she hands it in, only to get it back with a bunch of red marks on it.

It's my eyes, mom. They are ALL wonky. I thought they were crosses when it was X's!


Day #4. After the cross and X fiasco, Little Boo is none too keen about Math. She places her head in the crook of her arm on the desk and sighs.  Her teacher comes and bends over in front of her. Whatcha thinkin' about?
Little Boo sighs. I dunno.
Well, can you concentrate for a little bit longer?
Little Boo snaps to attention.


Day #5. Apparently the kid with the sticky up hair who (according to the P.E. teacher) canNOT shut up, forgot his P.E. uniform today. That was enough to send Little Boo over the edge with glee... eliciting a round of applause from her older brothers who agree that this kid is beYOND annoying.
Sigh.  Charity and all....


And that's it.  A week in the life of Little Boo: The school edition. I love hearing her stories. I know there will be more, much more. I can't wait to have a sit down with her teacher, to get her perspective.

And I have something very important to tell her, to tell this young woman who has my spitfire 5 days a week.

I'm jealous.  Jealous that she gets to witness these Boo-isms first hand.

She is one lucky gal.


:)

Daybook: Road Trip Prep

This Friday begins the Nuttiest of all Nutty Family Road Trips. Little Dude and I will board an airplane and fly off to spend the weekend with my sister and her lovely family in Utah.  DH will load up the rest of the kids and our belongings and drive. 
For days... 


We'll meet in Montana.


And although I am sure Montana is a beautiful vacation destination... our final stop is Vancouver. Birthplace of DH and home to most of his family. Family that we haven't seen for over 3 years.


And so it begins.

:P




Outside my window~

Scorching sun and fresh-cut grass. Temps in the 100's this week.  We're leaving none too soon.


I am listening to~

The "big" girls eat breakfast.  In between bites, they are chatting with Little Dude.  He is munching on a bagel.


I am wearing~

White capris, long raspberry-colored tank.  White flip-flop crocs.  Hair in a messy bun. 


I am so grateful for~

Long naps for Little Dude.


I am pondering~

Every woman needs a tribe. Hang on to those you select for your tribe because you will need them as you age. And they will need you. As we move closer to the "golden years" we begin to realize that the gold part isn't so shiny. Middle age is tough, between caring for adult children and aging parents.  If we have a tribe that's seen our kids recover from chicken pox, graduate from high school, and even get married, they'll be with us by the time we need to research options for a parent we adore and who has dementia, too. They- the two or three who have loved us forever- will buoy us through those difficult middle years.

I know I'm not *quite* middle age yet.... but I'll turn 40 in less than a year from now.  And I'm realizing this truth so very acutely these days.  I need to hold my dear friends close.... both far and near.  I am blessed by them, by knowing them, and them truly *knowing* me.  I am so blessed.

I am reading~

The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers.  :)


I am thinking~

That being charitable is much better than being right.
Always.
In every single circumstance.
Justice should never trump love.

(And since publishing I have had *ample* opportunities to put this into practice. lordhavemercy)


I am creating~

A absolutely foolproof  packing system.  Complete with overnight bags and carry-ons. I will NOT fail these hurdles!  (laughing uproariously)


On my iPod~

Erm. Action Man has an iTouch. He earned the money to buy it.  Saved his little heart out.
I disabled a TON of things on it. Youtube was the first to go. (what a great Grinchy trick...) We are chatting and regulating like nobody's business. And he has been so good about it.


Towards a real education~

Researching all things Canadian.  Specifically, the customs/border patrol stuff. We're pretty sure Little Dude doesn't need a passport since we are driving through the border. I even called the automaton lady who assured me.
(sigh)
Here's hoping!



Towards rhythm and beauty~

My new decorating scheme? Suitcases! In all shapes and sizes. Looks lovely on any floor. Plus, it has the added benefit of being movable, like up and down the staircases a billion times... just because. (ask Little Boo) and?  You can pick up and leave at a moments notice!

(plus, it contains certain trouble makers quite nicely.)

:P


To live the liturgy~

Confession. I am clearly losing my mind.


I am hoping and praying~

For safe travel.  By plane and car. For calm tempers and tranquil weather.  For happy kids and peaceful parents. And most of all... for a healthy no-sickness 3 weeks!!


In the garden~

No veggies anymore.  Just trying to keep the grass green and the begonias alive. So hot and dry. Hot and dry. Hot and dry....


Around the house~

Piles of clothes... all clean, waiting to be packed up. Lists and lists.  Ugh.


From the kitchen~

Just eating up what we have.  Pork chops and spaghetti, anyone?


One of my favorite things~

Snuggles in the morning. Nursing Little Dude in bed flanked by the two little girls.  All sleepiness. :)


A few plans for the week~

Seriously? :P



A picture thought I am sharing~

Cutie-pie crocs and chunky legs.  Love. it.

:)

Ethan These Days

The last in my insanely long series....  :)

Ethan is our Action Man.  But I seriously think I need to change his blog name to Sleeping Man.  When Ethan turned 13, the dynamics of our home and family took on a whole new charism.

For example.  It seems we now own a humongous St. Bernard.  Ethan shot up like nobody's business these last 6 months and is almost as tall as I am.  With his new height and long limbs comes the interesting feat of having them all constantly under control.  Alas, our new yearling behaves much like a bull in a china shop.  All brawn, no brains.  We will hear various thumps and bumps, and all of us run expecting to see some maimed corpse at the bottom of the stairs, only to find.... yes, it was Ethan, and yes, he fell.... but it was... up the stairs.

:P

The sleep patterns.  Oy, the sleeping patterns.  How they have changed. We now have a nighttime wanderer.  I'll be half-asleep, dying to get into bed, schlepping around getting drinks of water or blankies or whatever, and suddenly a beam of light hits me full in the face.  Just when I think the aliens have come for sure, Ethan's scratchy voice assails me with some hair-brained idea for fixing the whachermacallit and he's off, bounding to the garage, headlamp sending bouncing beams of light everywhere.  He's like his own disco ball and dance partner, rolled into one.

He eats. Does he ever eat! Actually the question should be... does he ever stop eating?   I restrict snacks with the other kids, but not him.  He is constantly hungry.  Period.  I've given up trying to "solve" the hunger problem. I just tell him to go find something to munch on.  And he does.  Pickles, bananas, peanut butter, eggs... it doesn't matter, he'll try anything.  I'm just happy if we can make it an hour between binges. And, as long as he doesn't eat up the dinner I'm hoping to serve that evening, I'm thrilled.

:P

This is the child that tears at my heart the most.  What can I expect? He is the oldest.

Every time I turn around, he is breaking new ground.  There was one particular incident that occurred right around the time Little Dude was born.  Suffice it to say that liberties were taken and trust was broken.  I was devastated.  Yes, probably overreacting, but it broke my heart. Ethan was penitent. Extremely so.  The result was that our relationship has never been the same.  In fact, it has grown exponentially.  Surprising?  Yes.  And I would not have a re-do for all the world over.

 

There is an understanding and a softening of his eyes when I look at him during one of our (many) "trying" moments.  He seems to suddenly remember "that time" my trust was wounded and wanting... and instantly he backs off. He seems to know that having Mom on his side is more important than being "right" and, wanting to preserve the relationship, he acquieces to whatever maddening demand I am making on his time.  He has grown up quite a bit.

Ethan has weathered a few other storms recently.  He played baseball this past spring. I was strangely quiet about that on this blog. We'll just say that he learned a lot.  He learned that even adults do and say ridiculous things. That some people never quite grow up and will forever have a chip on their shoulder.  He also learned that most of the language one hears in a dugout filled with teenagers is not for the ears of siblings, as he deftly would persuade his sisters to sit at the other end of the bleachers during games, and could I please make sure they didn't hang around when he was out on the field? He never complained, was never made fun of, was never cast out... he just dealt with it.  I was very proud of him for that.

And I was very glad that his Dad was there with him, every step of the way.

I still worry.  This is my oldest.  He has so much more ground to cover, so many more goals to reach.  I wonder if he will succeed.  Have we taught him enough? Does he understand how cold and cruel life can be?  Is he ready to venture out?  Yes, I worry a lot.

His first step out comes this fall.  He will go to school, and I will not cry.

But I will be a stronghold for him.

Because, you see, I've got his back.

I know that he knows that.

And I think that will make all the difference in the world.

For Many Reasons...

...not the least of which is because she is simply an awesome writer*....

Please do go visit my sister.

She's been blogging up a storm, and it's all so very lovely.  Makes me look back on my own days with a toddler and a newborn with a sigh of remembered sweetness.

:)


*other reasons may include:
"Tigger" is my godson and unbelievably cute
she and her husband are amazing folks
and... I get to visit them in 3! weeks!

Summer Doldrums?

It's almost July, and I am still waiting for it.  Waiting for the time I look at our days and realize that the routine is so... routine, that I feel like I'm in some sort of cruel Chinese Water Torturing chamber.

Not. Happening.

Our days have been so busy and varied that I fear I will never just plop down and organize the home school room closet just for something to do.

(guess who we went to see play?)

Y'all know that we spend most of our summer days here in the south... inside.  I know, it sounds horrific.  But when the temps climb, the only sound outside is the hum of the air conditioners and cicadas.  Unless you've been blessed with a pool, the neighborhoods are eerily silent.

(Little Boo's fashion show)

We pack it off to the pool about every other day.  Little Dude reacts to this trek by fussing and falling asleep once we get there.  He... endures the pool.  No enjoyment whatsoever. 

I think he got stuck with the wrong family.

:P

Since school ended waaayyyy back in May, we've been recuperating.  At least, I've been.  Homeschooling and writing and teaching made my life insane and I just wanted to kick back for awhile.  Each week, though, brought one thing after another.. all fun, mind you.... but lordy, busy! Besides the fact that my kids still need to eat and have clean clothing.  It seems that life hasn't slowed down much at all.

(Auntie Lil Sis babysits... and does make-overs!)

I'm thinking that this is the new normal.  That this is why it all goes by so quickly.  6 kids under one roof, the oldest a teenager.  Holding my breath, and suddenly he'll be driving... whisking himself and friends and siblings hither and yon.  Poof.  It will be so soon. I really thought that the pattern of our summer days would be slower at least for a few more years.  But with summer soccer practice and camps and water park swim days and sleepovers and more camps and math and impending treks across the western U.S. and Canada.... not to mention DH's crazy work schedule (he's headed to Germany, for heaven's sake... not saying when)

It's been a bit insane.

(Yes, we saw him twice)   :)

As a result, I will have to impose the summer doldrums on myself.  In between trips to the pool and soccer camp, I will pretend to be bored. I will toss aside the books I haven't 've read a million times, and sit with my feet up.  I will call that friend I haven't heard from in ages, I will wipe some door frames and do some extra baking. 

Just so I can believe that it is truly summer.


:)

With Love, From Little Boo

My non-Facebook friends have completely missed out on recent Little Boo-isms of late.

And for that, I apologize.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, are the Mother's Day and Father's Day cards she crafted for Andrew and I:

Mother's Day:

(click to enlarge)


And Father's Day:

(The resemblance is striking, no?)



:)

So Much To Say...

Words swirl around my head.  Posts composed in the twilight.  So much to share, no time to sit at keyboard and plunk.

I approach this morning with trepidation.  A long night translates into a quiet morning.  All are still asleep.  Yes, even the littlest.

The littlest who takes up the biggest part of me.
The one all flock to when rising.
He, who inspires humor and the most ridiculous serenades.

He consumes me.  I am so honored.
:)

Little Dude is growing so quickly. 
I find myself less torn these days....
You know, torn between wanting him to stay little and wanting him to grow and explore.

I used to be so torn.  With Little Love, especially. 
How to know God's plan?  Will we have another? Can we just freeze this moment? For one more second?

But now...
Now that my boys are set to head off to school in the fall... I am so. excited. for them.  Truly.  I have no regrets and really am peaceful that this is what God wants for them, right now.  I can't wait for them to go.  Not because I don't want them around, but because I know this is where they need to be.

My Little Dear is so interested in dance and theater right now... and will be starting piano.  So excited for her to find her niche!  So excited that she got to go see a wonderful production of "As You Like It" last night with her drama class. She was glowing when she got home.  

Now that Little Boo is a super star soccer player (ok, not really) I know that she is ready to take on the extra practices and games... indeed, she's been telling me this for quite awhile now.  Hoofing it to practice in 100 degree temps is not MY idea of a good time.  Ask Little Boo, however....  :)

That leaves my littlest, Little Love.  She will always be my baby.  But I am still so excited that she is growing up.  She went to Camp Jesus all. week. with her sisters.  Came home red-cheeked and full of stories every day.  Up and at-em the next morning... and off she went. The house is quieter.  The rooms less messy. :P  But that big smile when I see her in the afternoon and the joy at being with her friends is just awesome.

I know that as my kids reach different milestones, I will always look back at when they were "little" and smile.

But I can see how the joy of watching them grow... of encouraging them to grow into the people God wants them to be, will more than make up for the longings of those days gone by.

Well... almost.
:)

True Love

The eyes... they are huge.  They sparkle and glisten, overflowing with love....

... and trust.

This little man, how he trusts.  All babies do, I know.  The Papa stands on the sidelines, tossing him high as the nearby mothers gasp.  Little Dude laughs.  Big belly laughs.  The mamas smile and continue their chatting.

Big sisters perch him on the couch, talking and talking to him.  He smiles, adoring. Listening to everything they say, laughing at their inflections.  I pass by and pause.  Then implore... hold him tight.
Please, do not let him fall.
He is too close to the edge... put your hand out....

And they do. 

Papa holds him at dinner.  And those eyes, they search.  Each member of the family, seeking... seeking...

And then, those beautiful eyes find mine, and the lopsided grin grows wide.  Wider than possible for a little man so small.

His eyes sparkle and mine glisten. 

True love.

:)