He

He is the presence of protection in the house.  The strength and fortitude behind my actions.  Invisible mountain underneath my weak will and wearied arms.

He supports his family.  Right now working two jobs... just until the baby comes. To provide for this unplanned joy.  Gone for 12 hours, one job to the next, he labors for us.

He sees me resting, tells me not to get up.  Grabs the mop and bucket and cleans. After all of his duties, he gives even more. 

His face lights up as the youngest twirls in front of him.   Scooping her up, he kisses her as she squirms away.  He is the measure of Love and affirmation.  The one they turn to with hope-filled eyes.  The one they can't wait to tell... No, I'll tell Dad.

He lovingly relates to the difficult child. The one who ruffles all the feathers... the one who just moments before had been the cause of a massive meltdown.  The one who is now seeking forgiveness.  Forgiveness through relating.  And patiently, he gives it.

He is not perfect.  He comes to me in the morning, wakes me with kisses, and whispers in my ear.  And the darkness and pain from the previous day vanishes. Sunshine bursts through and all is set right.  We smile, eyes crinkling at the corners.  14 years of marriage, 19 years of knowing.  Half my life.

:)


No, it's not our anniversary... just a long overdue post. :)

You Wish You Were Me

Because we are doing something AWESOME this holiday weekend!

We plan to celebrate the 4th in true Nut-House style...

betcha can't guess.

Gotcha!  Yes, he really is supposed to be tearing out our master bathroom floor.
In fact, he thinks it's fun!
Right, Action Man?

Our shower.  With drills.  Very artistic.

What?  Doesn't everyone keep their toilet in the jetted tub...

... and the tank on the floor of their bedroom?
On a tarp?
With old towels?

See?
You do wish you were me.

Told-ja so.

Happy 4th Y'all!!

:P

Having A Child Is A Selfish Act

When I read those words, my jaw hit the floor.

Seriously?

Some infamous "Anonymous" commenter at a popular blog was putting forth this statement as an argument against those who say that childlessness = selfishness.  Because, you know, the most effective way to argue a point is to turn around and say, "nuh-uh, YOU ARE!"

:P

Seriously.

DH and I have made some pretty selfish decisions in our time, but none of them, believe me, have to do with our decision to remain open to life.  If someone had been at our house the morning I held my 3 month old son, crying and staring in disbelief at the two pink lines that announced the existence of Little Dear, and told me that I was selfish, I would have grabbed the nearest butcher knife and gone on a rampage.  Never mind that my hormones were out of whack, and my almost two year old son was as yet not potty trained... it was a stretching and testing of my Faith and Trust in God and the Wisdom of Holy Mother Church.  Let me tell you, if I ever had a crisis of Faith in my life, it was right there on the bathroom floor that fateful November morning.

As the years have gone by, and my rough edges smoothed over by time and experience, I thank God and His Church for the Wisdom and Grace that have been poured down through the ages.

You see, if it had been up to me, Little Dear would never have been conceived.

Overwhelmed with two failed attempts at nursing, a high maintenance toddler and high needs newborn, I was at my limit.  How in the world could I have ever thought I'd be ready for another child?  Did I really think that having another baby would be the most fulfilling event that could happen to me?  That I would finally be satisfied?  Was it selfish of me to accept Little Dear into our already chaotic home?  Was it really an act of selfishness when I bowed my will to His and accepted this...*gulp* ... gift? 

I have grown and been stretched in so many ways... well beyond the stretch marks that have marked my many pregnancies.  I'm not perfect. No, not by a long shot.  But my selfishness has taken a direct, fatal, hit. No more do I assume that when I want something to happen, it will.  No more do I rage against the inconvenience of sick children, husband, or self. 

Something has happened to my heart along the way as well.  It has been opened to be more accepting, more loving, more tolerant.  I have seen both sides of the coin.  Infertility and child-bearing both.  Being overwhelmed, confused, sad, and joyful.  Sometimes all at once.

Parenthood is a vocation, a lifelong commitment. Not to be taken lightly, but also not to be thrown to the side as a disposable option.  Those who suffer from infertility can tell you, with much pain, what you are throwing away.  And those who live the chaotic life of a mom of many can also articulate what even they could never have imagined in their wildest dreams.

That in saying "yes" to this life, you became a part of something much bigger than just the mere "wants" or perceived "needs"you once had.  You became a part of the gift of creation.  And it's not about you anymore.  What you have helped to bring into existence is another being, another person, wholly separate and distinct from your own self.  There simply is no room for selfishness now.  It is not even a factor.  It cannot be.  You throw your whole self into the raising of this child.  But why?  For your own fulfillment?  Really?  How many nighttime wakings would you be willing to endure to bring about this supposed self-fulfillment?  How many vomit clean ups or messy diapers? How many never-ending cries for "mama"? How many countless interruptions? How many how many how many?

No.

This is all about Love now.  The wonderment and anxiety and heartbreak of unconditional love.  It is this love that propels a parent through the many joys and heartbreaks of raising a child.  It is the reason behind the many things we do.  The nighttime wakings, the feedings, the baseball games, the heartfelt conversations. It is because we love the other so very much more than we love ourselves, that we do these things. 

And what a tremendous gift, to be able to experience what it is like... to love like God.

What We've Been Up To...

It's summer in the south! And you know what that means...

Time for marshmallows, hot cocoa and popcorn...

You think we are kidding... we are not. Coming inside dripping wet to frigid A/C requires blankets and hot cocoa.



Campouts...

The only kind we Texans can manage in the heat of the summer.



Trips to the local watering hole...

Because we cannot be outside otherwise.



Board games...

Because Mom and Dad have put the kibosch on unlimited media.


And super cool eBay finds...

A long overdue purchase for Action Man. His buddy was over when they came... and far from being embarrassed, Action Man proudly showed them off.
The buddy's response?
Aw... LUCKY!

:P


How's your summer vacation going?



:)

When He's Gone

Mornings are spent assessing the day.  Coffee in hand, eyes searching the rooms of the house.

What can be done..
what needs to be done...
how to pass the day...
make it go by faster....

Children are restless, what are we doing today, Mama? Is a question that rings in my ears... echoing off the empty walls.  Empty now for only one reason.

He is gone.  On a business trip.  On a family trip.  The reason is not important, just the absence.  And the yawning of the days in front of me... days that must be filled.  Filled with purpose and accomplishment.

And maybe?  A bit of joy and memories?  To report to Him when He comes home to us again?  That we did survive, that we did enjoy?  That it was okay for him to leave...

Afternoon, and I am in the kitchen, scrubbing away breakfast and lunch dishes.  Children are full, resting and reading, and I am alone with my thoughts.  Dinner, afternoon activities, and evening time.  All are a-jumble and I try to focus on the task at hand.  Try to mentally fill the hours of the afternoon, trying to juggle the necessary with the superficial.  Do I really need to stop at the store?  Can it wait?  Who can I leave home?  How will it work in the plans for the day?

Dinner time, and His place sits empty.  The kids clamor to fill it, but I refuse.  Another battle I simply cannot initiate.  Who sat in Papa's seat last night?  No.  Amidst all the other 'battles' and 'turns', this one will not be among them.

Dishes and feet scrubbed, sweet-smelling hair and children tucked in.  Doors and windows are locked... front door made extra secure.  I follow the children up the stairs and run my own bath.  It is my own little secret... to not be downstairs alone at night in the quiet.  My oldest, almost a man himself, reads in my bed as I soak in the other room.  His presence is comforting somehow. 

In a day or so... He will be home.  And the rhythm of the house will return, and all will be as it should be.  His footsteps coming downstairs in the morning as He heads off to work.  His key in the lock when He returns home. I will breathe again, and life will resume.

In the meantime,  we will wait, and fill our days. 



Note to concerned family and friends... (and especially any people with malicious intent...) this post was written after the fact. DH is safe and sound at home now... :)

It's A...

B oisterous, (kicking his Mama constantly....)

O ver-joyed, (his siblings, are, anyway...)

Y oungin'. (exactly 5 months!)



We are very excited!!

:)

And Now I Wish I Were A Fashion Designer

After dropping ALL FIVE of my children at this awesome Sports Camp run by an equally awesome family we are good friends with (I owe the parents about a million margaritas.... each) I headed out to the shops, on a mission.

I needed to find a pair of maternity jeans.

Yes, I know it's a zillion degrees here these days.  But I miss my funky jeans.  I used to wear them all. the. time.  Especially in the evenings if DH and I are going out, or if I'm heading to bookclub... they were so versatile, I could really pair them up with anything and head out the door.

I miss them terribly.

I've been to Motherhood, and have been sorely disappointed.  Not only were the jeans way overpriced, but they were too short.  And definitely lacking in the funky department.  Why is it that fashion designers think that pregnant women can't wear flared jeans?  I prefer the looser bottoms, and the dragging hemlines.  I'm tall, so it has to be just the right length in order for me to pull it off.

Today, I made the drive up to Kohls (only 20 min, but still... my time is precious!) and was so mad I couldn't see straight.  Apparently, the buyers there think that pregnant women want to wear gray t-shirts and dark jeans for nine months straight.  And guess what?  Maybe stocking the exact. same. jeans. as Motherhood and hiking the price up by $12 would be a fantabulous idea!

ERGH.

And the tops.  Oy the tops.  I can't stand it.  Either I'm supposed to look like I stepped out of a Victorian painting, or the local high school.  There is no middle ground.  Where did all of the form flattering empire-waist shirts go?  And why are the shirt-sleeves hitting me at the elbow?  It's 98 degrees!

I thought I learned my lesson with Little Dear, that I truly do need to buy maternity clothes when I'm pregnant.  They simply fit better.  But this time around, I am perusing the misses' aisles and selecting the longer shirts, the pleated-front tanks, and buying them a size larger than normal.  As my body changes, I find the selection dwindling.  And it's frustrating.

A good friend told me that Gap maternity jeans were probably what I was looking for.  She loved hers, and said that one pair goes a long way. Guess I'll be making another shopping trip.

Not that I mind, really. 


:P

Parenting An *Almost* Teenager

I'd like to make myself believe... that planet earth turns slowly.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake

When I'm asleep...

...'cause everything is never as it seems....*

Action Man will be 13 in November of this year.  A few years ago, when contemplating the up and coming dreaded teen years, I vowed that I would not expect my boy to become a horrifying force of confusion and angst in our happy homeschooling home.  Surely, I thought to myself, there were ways and methods to guarantee that he, and I, and everyone in the home, would make the transition smoothly... with nary a ripple in the fabric of our days.

HA.

Much to my surprise... Action Man has decided that he WILL be growing up... rapidly and with many ripples.  Tidal waves, actually.

And this shift will take place overnight.

Suddenly, Sports Fan has found that his constant companion is moody and distant.  He needs "time to himself" because he is "growing up"  (these explanations provided by Sports Fan include an over-emphasis of the quotation marks, along with vigorous eye-rolling)

My own response has been varied.  While the storms rage and the frustrations mount, I have oscillated between understanding and indignation.  I understand that Action Man needs his space, that Sports Fan is developing an uncanny ability to push. just. the. right. buttons... and that Little Boo has upped the ante of annoyance to beyond bearable.

However.

I also point out that we are still a family unit.  That we still must get along sohelpme.... And that this is our path to heaven.  Together.  Like it or not. And respect? goes a long long way, my son.

I'm learning a few things, too.  Things that I have observed from other parents... parents I trust and respect, especially my parents, in remembering my own tulmultuous teenage years and how well they handled everything I threw at them. And I threw a lot at them.

1. Teenagers still need guidance.  They need to be "checked on."  Both my boys are starting the whole "lying" thing again.  But it's more subtle now.  Not as easy to "catch."  It's a pain to run upstairs and see if they really *did* clean their room, but I do it.  Make them wait downstairs, poised on their bikes, ready to take off with their friends... and haul their butts back up if, in fact, the vacuuming has not been finished like they said it was.  They need to know that there will be consequences for these fibs.  And a little guilt every now and then doesn't hurt.  Just a little, mind you, or else it loses it's effect.

2.  Teenagers need to be respected. They need a listening ear.  As the little ones multiply and clamor for attention, it becomes almost impossible to provide the setting for those all-important conversations about hockey, or clothes, or friendships, or music. Many golden opportunities can be overlooked in the midst of a hectic day.  Action Man almost always comes back downstairs after the "good-nights" have been said.  He parks himself on the couch and chats it up with us.  DH is much more tolerant of this time.  I try to grin, but groan inwardly... and sometimes not so inwardly.  Something I need to work on.

3.  Teenagers need privileges.  Action Man got an mp3 player for his 12th birthday.  He has an e-mail account.  He is allowed to cross the "big" street on his bike and go visit his friends.  We grant him leeway with watching "extra" shows on Netflix... (ok, so it's Liberty's Kids... who can say no to that?!?) 
He may not seem that much older than his 10 year old brother, but at this stage, the difference between them is a chasm.  And they both feel it.  Sports Fan may not like it, but his turn is coming.  The key is to preserve that relationship as best as we can until he catches up. 

4.  We need to enjoy what our teenagers enjoy without attaching moral importance to every single solitary thing.  I know I will ruffle some feathers here. But there are some hills not worth dying on.
Action Man has the advantage of having a hip, cool Auntie who lives with us and makes him awesome cd's of the music he enjoys.  So, we have heard Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber and who knows what else... ad nauseam in our living room during clean up... and other random times.  Do I like this music?  Not really. Are these kids people I want my kids to idolize? Um... no.  But we do not have posters up nor do we watch tv shows where they are featured.  We simply enjoy their talent.  Together.
Oh, and we mimic their hairstyle.  Erm... that would be Justin Bieber's, not Miley's.  :P
And yes, it drives me crazy that Action Man's hair hangs in his face and curls around his ears and generally looks like he just rolled out of bed... but I know that it's temporary.  He has already made some noise about it getting too hot... not a coincidence that I am allowing this as we approach 100+ temps... I can be a pretty smart mama, you know.

;)

It's a tightrope walk, this balance between being there and letting go.

Between guiding and trusting. 

But there is a lot to enjoy and marvel at along the way. Because, if nothing else, teenagers are notorious for their wide open eyes and big plans.  They are on the verge of taking on the world.

I'd like to make myself believe... that planet earth turns slowly.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake

When I'm asleep...

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams.*

:)


*Lyrics brought to you by one of Action Man's favorite bands... Owl City. And this Mama must admit they're growing on her, too. :)

Guess Whose First Communion We Celebrated Today?

Oh, wait... here's a more proper one...

And, since we must include other members of the family....

And, of course, the sisters....

Some of whom clearly cannot wait until it is their turn....

It was a lovely, grace-filled day!!

:)

Daybook: It's Summertime!

School ended Friday.  The kids are super-relieved to be on vacation.  The irony is, since camp starts this week, we are getting up earlier than we ever do during the school year.  And... surprise, surprise... the kids are not complaining a bit.
:P


Outside my window...

The sun is searing through the little smidgen of clouds that have dared to appear in the sky.  The past 3 days we've seen temps hovering near the century mark, with Saturday being the first official triple digit day.  Hellllooooo summer!


I am thinking...

About summer schedules. I'm glad for a bit of leeway in our learning program, to have the chance to do some fun learning after an entire school year of a canned curriculum.  I just hope I can follow through with all of my ideas!




I am thankful for...

Feeling normal.  Having energy.  A healthy baby.  This little one does plenty of flutter kicks to reassure the Mama that all is well.  I'm always grateful for them.




From the learning rooms...

We are in the process of a massive de-cluttering mission.   The closet has been organized, and now we need to pack up the books.  I'll need to replenish our craft shelf for the summer (for the kids... not me! lol) and start implementing our summer learning schedule.  Just some math facts, one big word problem, some handwriting, and lots of reading.  My thought is that after applying rigor to their minds, they will be more than happy to exercise their imaginations with a bit of peaceful play.



From the kitchen...

Dinner menus, and lots of events to plan/cook for.  Specifically, Little Boo's First Communion on Sat evening! 
 

I am wearing...

Black maternity skirt, tie-dyed black/white tank top, white flip flops.  The hair is curly.


I am creating...

Plans for this week.  In my head only, though.  Bad idea.  :P



I am reading...

 The Hidden Garden for bookclub.  A large book, but a fast read. 




I am hoping...

That I can use my time wisely this week.  That I can be disciplined but still joyful.




I am hearing...

Silence.  Little Love is snacking on grapes and Action Man just woke up.  The 3 others are having a ball at camp.






Around the house...

Cleaning cleaning cleaning.  We are hosting a bbq for the families of the First Communicants on Sunday.  I'm trying not to let my inner perfectionist take over, but I do want things to be clean at least. 


One of my favorite things...

Rainy summer mornings.  
:)



A few plans for the rest of the week:

Lots of time with Little Love.  A few projects, lots of cleaning, and a simple living room re-do.  It's amazing what a different rug can do to a color palette. 





Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

Tulips are my favorite flower by far.  The more untamed the better.  I love how they splay out without a care as to proper decorum or neatness.  Instead of staying huddled together en masse, they shoot out their beauty for all the world to see~

:)