Daybook: My Crazy Life

I started this post on Sunday. 

It is now Friday.


What an appropriate title.

:P


I'm listening to~

Little Dude babbling. He says "ba ba ba". Exciting, isn't it? Yes, I'm hopeless when it comes to this kid.


I am wearing...

JEANS. Glorious, LONG JEANS. And a flowy LONG sleeved top. High of 86 today, folks.
FALL IS HERE. (ya'll will have to excuse me, I live in Texas)


I am so grateful for...

Misunderstanding.  Thinking that something is the case when it's not. I think too much. Period.


I'm pondering....

The life of the heart. How to make it grow, how to preserve and protect while it grows. How to take chances that don't wound too much. Sometimes the wounding speeds up the growth, sometimes its detrimental. This goes for all ages, and all stages. It's a tricky balance.


I am reading...

Innocent Blood for book club. Not sure if I will be able to finish. Not because of time, but because of my sensitive soul. :)  In Conversation with God, The Bronze Bow, and It's So You. There's a line up for ya.

:P


I am thinking...

Of soccer and friendships. Of school and friendships. Of life and friendships. Friendships are a very good thing.


I am creating...

New bedrooms. Still ongoing. Everyone is in their proper places, now we just need to tweak it. More storage in one room, utilize what we've got in another... New curtains for all. I have lists for each room and will buy as needed. I hope we will be completely finished by Christmas. If not, sooner?


To live the liturgy...

We need more prayer in this house. In order to do that, I need to be more organized. Homework finished before soccer practices, so that after we can gather for our rosary before showers and bed. I know we can do this. I just need to make it a priority.


Towards a real education...

I loved loved loved this post. You see, I've always been a reluctant homeschooler. I read all the stuff and bought into all the ideals and convinced myself that it was the only way to go, and then threw myself into it and constantly felt like I was totally failing at it. So I would re-double my efforts and still feel like I was a failure. So, we put 3 kids in school this year. 
I'm not convinced it's the ideal choice. In fact, the only thing I'm convinced of is that there really is no ideal choice. We are not in some heavenly utopia here. But we know our kids, and the ones in school need to be there. It's better than them being here all day.
There, I said it.
For them, at this time in their lives, it's better that they are not at home all day. We may change our minds, and I sure do miss them, but for now, this is their real education.
:)
(See? I think too much)


Towards rhythm and beauty...

Ugh. I have two lives now. Homeschooler and drive-the-kids-to-school, schooler. My house reflects the chaos I feel. Poor DH. I have got to figure this out.


I am hoping and praying...

For a beautiful beautiful gal who is so close to my heart. She has been going through a rough time for so very long. God needs to do something, and fast. Praying that His will for her life be made known and all the pieces fall into place quickly. And that we all have peace and joy in the process.


I am learning...

That I need to let go a lot more often and with more grace and trust than I am used to. There is very little I can control. From my own kids to other people's opinion of me and my children... or my house, car, clothing... it's so trivial, and yet to some, it is so essential. I need to step away from that kind of thinking.


Around the house...

The laundry beast is out of control. All the uniforms for school, P.E. and soccer is just killing me. Yesterday was "free dress" day (thank the Lord... and also? Thank the Lord for uniforms all the other days! Yikes on the fashionista front!) I was able to get the uniform situation under control. Most days I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants... or, pj's, as it were.
:P


From the kitchen...

No idea. Lol. We'll be making banana muffins for sure. Dinner will be meatless, but that's all I know. I stink at the no meat dinner ideas. And my family hates tuna. :(


On my iPod...

Haven't listened in ages. Really.
But I am looking forward to this. Because I am a rabid fan. Still.


One of my favorite things...

Hot coffee on a brisk fall morning. It has been way too long...


A few plans for the week...

Weekend soccer games, Homecoming week for the school kids (lots of fun events planned=lots of mommy work... but it's all fun) more bedroom work.. organizing and de-cluttering so we can make it all more functional!


A picture thought...

Gratuitous Little Dude photo...


:)

Autumn Babymoons

Autumn is babymoon time for me. All of my children were born in late summer, early autumn. (And so, by default, Spring is morning-sickness time.  Unfortunately, I feel inexplicably ill on certain spring mornings... my body's way of remembering, I guess...lol)

 
There is a slight crispness to the air as I recline in bed, nursing Little Dude to sleep.  The curtains dance in our bedroom... and the evening is quiet.

I hold Little Dude close, smell his babyness, and sigh, remembering....

I remember how fragile I feel, just home from the hospital.  That first evening home I made it as far as the chair in the front living room. It was Halloween, and I wanted to see the comings and goings in the neighborhood, wanted to see my own peanuts as they waltzed out the door, and their excited faces as they came racing back in with their Dad and Grandpa, spreading their bounty on the floor, eager to share....

I remember not realizing that by parking myself in the front living room, I'd made myself available to the sweaty, make-up laden teenagers from down the street eager to see and (eek!) touch my precious 3 day old babe.... their wonder and excitement was contagious, though. And I discreetly wiped the.. erm... fake blood from Little Dude's cheek. 

And later that night, piling pillows all around, laying in my own bed... struggling to care for this littlest life, I remember the hot tears. The recovery is always difficult for me, and caring for such a helpless one while feeling so helpless myself compounds my hopelessness. The hot tears are cooled in the night breeze, the strong arms around me calm my heart, and the babe's wails are quieted. The soft sheets on the bed are a welcome respite from the rough hospital linens.  My legs gingerly explore the cooler spots on the surface, every movement reminding me of my frailty.


I remember the slow descents from my upstairs bedroom to the living room. Eventually I was able to do it without help.  Then I was able to do it while carrying Little Dude.  Every day I made that descent, unwilling to remain isolated in my bedroom.  I joined in the family life, parking myself in the corner of the longest couch, able to see and hear all.  And when I would fall asleep, the kids would tiptoe around me, or snug in while I nursed Little Dude, holding him in my arms while he slept, not wanting to put him down.

(my "corner spot"... notice the sweats? comfort is a must!)

I remember how everyone rallied. How the kids did laundry and dishes. How my DH would come home from work and start on dinner. He would clean the kitchen, sweeping and mopping, and then he would take a wailing babe for a walk outside while I attempted a shower. Everything centered on our family life.  There were little to no outside distractions... (well, except the occasional soccer game, of course)

Now Little Dude is walking.

What a difference 11 months makes.  I knew it would come.  But I honestly didn't think it would come this quickly.  He squirms out of my arms and I set him down.  On his sturdy little legs he toddles off, eager to see and do, just like everyone else. Put a soccer ball in front of him and he moves double-time.  It's quite a sight to see... the ball is as tall as his legs are long.  But he moves it, first one foot, then the other.

He fits right in.

Perfectly.

:)

My New Kitchen "Help"

:)

Because Sometimes, It IS Just Me

Actually, I'm pretty sure it's always me.

:P

I was invited to a mom's night out Wednesday evening.  It was for a new homeschooling group in the area, a Catholic one, with many wonderful moms.

I didn't go.  Not because of Little Dude, or DH's work schedule, or the craziness of soccer practices....
Not because of the women there... they are all so wonderful and lovely and joy-filled.

I didn't go because I didn't want to.

I didn't want to paste a smile on my face and share a recipe, I didn't want to make myself presentable, re-fresh my make-up and laugh at the craziness of my days.  I didn't want to sit and chat.

I just... couldn't.

My days are too raw right now.  My temper too fragile.  My nerves too totally and completely shot.  Two weeks into doing the juggling act between homeschooling and homework, between stay-at-home and drive-to-school, between sleep-in and get-up-and-get-out...  and I am tired.

We bloggers have to walk a fine line.  Too much real-deal stuff and people won't read. It's depressing.  Too much sunshiney-happy-faced stuff, and people won't read.  It seems fake.

So it goes in the real world.  

I couldn't handle happy-shiny Wednesday evening. I needed heart-to-heart. I needed real. I wonder how many other homeschooling moms need that, needed that instead.

I don't know how to provide that. I'm too choleric.  I'm too melancholic.  And I'm sarcastic.... a NYer to the core.  It's a horrible combination sometimes, but there you have it. My IRL friends are gems.  They put up with me. I dare say they even love me, in spite of it all.

And while I am grateful for the happy women, I also crave the real.  The down-to-earth, the nitty-gritty, the wow, this is just too damn hard, let's get a drink!

So, DH and I will be going out tomorrow night.  To get that drink, and have that chat.

Thank goodness he loves me, melancholic-choleric-NY-sarcasm and all....


:)

Daybook: Second Week of School

I can't believe how quickly the time is flying by now. We are just starting our second week of school for all of the kids, even the homeschooled ones. Little Dude is walking, and I'm able to be away from him for a few hours at a time now, if need be. And the weather has finally turned. Finally. More on all of this throughout my daybook. 


Outside my window~

Sunshine. Blue skies. COOL temps. High of only 84 today... yes, only. We went from 100's to 80's in 2 days.  Lows at night in the 60's. Fall is here!!


I am listening to~

My two homeschoolers fighting. Oy. It's snack time, and apparently making the lemonade is sending them over the edge.


I am wearing~

Khaki shorts and long sleeve melon-colored v-neck shirt. Bare feet. Of course.

(on the ferry heading up the Georgia Strait)


I am so grateful for~

Cooler weather. After over 65 days straight of triple digits, the cooler breezes seem miraculous. Indeed, they are. I am SO grateful.


I am pondering~

The balance of homemaking.  Specifically, a home that is kid-friendly, but neat. Our house will never be Pottery-Barn perfect. Our furniture is mostly hand-me-downs... and when I have toddlers running through it hither and yon, I'm glad for that. I can let go of my worry about our things and focus on our company.  However, I also know that children love beauty and order. How to balance both. How to not obsess but be organized. It may seem like a no-brainer, but this is hard for me.


I am reading~

Just finished The Help for book club.  Highly. Recommend.  My goodness, what an amazing read. 
I'm now reading Innocent Blood for book club, and The Children's Homer for the Lit class I teach.


I am thinking~

About my school kids. All day I think about them, checking their schedules, seeing what class they are in, and I pray for them.  They are doing so well at school. I can hardly believe it. 

(excuse the early-morning, Papa-in-a-hurry shot)


I am creating~

New bedrooms. DH and I, side-by-side. Boo and Love's room is finished.  We painted the boys' room yesterday. DH is building lofts. It's slow, but we are making progress. What a crazy time. 


On my iPod~

Lots of painting music.  :)

(view from our bedroom at the beach house... sigh)



Towards a real education~

Our co-op is going really well. Little Dear's classes are more challenging this year, but not overwhelming. It's a good balance. We went on a nature walk this morning. It was glorious. I think we need to do that a bit more this Fall. 


Towards rhythm and beauty~

Less kids at home mean less mess. It's really true. But it also means less hands to help if I need it. Little Dude is so much happier now that he's more mobile. I can get some chores done! And also? I can write more. How I've missed it!

(Little Dude at the beach house)



I am hoping and praying~

For Suzanne, and Charlotte, and many other intentions. 


In the garden~

Need to re-plant. I can't wait until this weekend when I can go and buy fall blooms!!


Around the house~

The smell of paint and wood stain. How fun!

(missing our family in Canada... right Little Boo?)


From the kitchen~

I've been baking. :)  Apple pie and carrot cake, for starters. The promise of fall brings out the domestic side of me.



One of my favorite things~

Yummy kitchen smells. :)




A few plans for the week~

Our calendar is starting to fill up. Soccer practices, Irish step dance, Night out for mom, soccer tournament this weekend, a coffee get-together... it's nice to get back into socializing again!



A picture thought~

(from our trip to the Sunshine Coast, British Columbia, Canada)


:)

Little Boo Goes to School

Sparing everyone all the details, (you're welcome...)

(To my local friends? sorry. I've put y'all through a LOT)


:P


Little Boo is now attending a private school.

Batten down the hatches.

We made our decision to send her with the boys 3 days before school started. It was the kind of thing that had been in the back of our brains all summer, and just fell neatly into place all at once.

God likes to keep us on our toes.

The night God whispered in my ear about this, was the night I met Little Boo's teacher.
She is a young college grad, married, working towards her masters.  She was very polite and professional when talking with me, but I saw it, just for a millisecond...  that mischievous glint in her eye.  And my shoulders relaxed and I knew it. Just knew.

She was perfect for my Little Boo.


And so the stories... how they come tumbling out when Little Boo bounces into the car at the end of the day.
The boys drag their tired bodies and humongous backpacks out to us, but Little Boo bounces.  Right next to Little Dude, she alternates between talking to him in the strangest "babytalk" voice ever... (a cross between Wallace and King Julian) ... and regaling me with the more um.... interesting parts of her day.


Day #1. After morning prayer in the cafeteria, Little Boo, eager to get to her classroom, grabbed her backpack and ran upstairs... to an empty classroom.  After waiting like... 20 minutes (so she tells me) she started back downstairs and ran smack into... her teacher, with her classmates lined up neatly behind her.  

Well, hey you, she says. Where ya been?

And that's how Little Boo met her teacher.





Day #2.  She purchased some starbursts from the snack machine. (Oy, that snack machine... how I wish it would go. away.)  Lunchtime ended all too soon, and Little Boo still had 3 starbursts left. Being mindful of the rule "absolutely NO food in the classroom," she quickly shoved the starbursts in her mouth.


Wrappers and all.


I looked at her, horrified.  You ate the wrappers?
Yup! she said brightly, patting her stomach. Not too bad, either!


Day #3. Little Boo finishes with her math facts worksheet.  And she's the first one! All excited, she hands it in, only to get it back with a bunch of red marks on it.

It's my eyes, mom. They are ALL wonky. I thought they were crosses when it was X's!


Day #4. After the cross and X fiasco, Little Boo is none too keen about Math. She places her head in the crook of her arm on the desk and sighs.  Her teacher comes and bends over in front of her. Whatcha thinkin' about?
Little Boo sighs. I dunno.
Well, can you concentrate for a little bit longer?
Little Boo snaps to attention.


Day #5. Apparently the kid with the sticky up hair who (according to the P.E. teacher) canNOT shut up, forgot his P.E. uniform today. That was enough to send Little Boo over the edge with glee... eliciting a round of applause from her older brothers who agree that this kid is beYOND annoying.
Sigh.  Charity and all....


And that's it.  A week in the life of Little Boo: The school edition. I love hearing her stories. I know there will be more, much more. I can't wait to have a sit down with her teacher, to get her perspective.

And I have something very important to tell her, to tell this young woman who has my spitfire 5 days a week.

I'm jealous.  Jealous that she gets to witness these Boo-isms first hand.

She is one lucky gal.


:)

Daybook: Road Trip Prep

This Friday begins the Nuttiest of all Nutty Family Road Trips. Little Dude and I will board an airplane and fly off to spend the weekend with my sister and her lovely family in Utah.  DH will load up the rest of the kids and our belongings and drive. 
For days... 


We'll meet in Montana.


And although I am sure Montana is a beautiful vacation destination... our final stop is Vancouver. Birthplace of DH and home to most of his family. Family that we haven't seen for over 3 years.


And so it begins.

:P




Outside my window~

Scorching sun and fresh-cut grass. Temps in the 100's this week.  We're leaving none too soon.


I am listening to~

The "big" girls eat breakfast.  In between bites, they are chatting with Little Dude.  He is munching on a bagel.


I am wearing~

White capris, long raspberry-colored tank.  White flip-flop crocs.  Hair in a messy bun. 


I am so grateful for~

Long naps for Little Dude.


I am pondering~

Every woman needs a tribe. Hang on to those you select for your tribe because you will need them as you age. And they will need you. As we move closer to the "golden years" we begin to realize that the gold part isn't so shiny. Middle age is tough, between caring for adult children and aging parents.  If we have a tribe that's seen our kids recover from chicken pox, graduate from high school, and even get married, they'll be with us by the time we need to research options for a parent we adore and who has dementia, too. They- the two or three who have loved us forever- will buoy us through those difficult middle years.

I know I'm not *quite* middle age yet.... but I'll turn 40 in less than a year from now.  And I'm realizing this truth so very acutely these days.  I need to hold my dear friends close.... both far and near.  I am blessed by them, by knowing them, and them truly *knowing* me.  I am so blessed.

I am reading~

The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers.  :)


I am thinking~

That being charitable is much better than being right.
Always.
In every single circumstance.
Justice should never trump love.

(And since publishing I have had *ample* opportunities to put this into practice. lordhavemercy)


I am creating~

A absolutely foolproof  packing system.  Complete with overnight bags and carry-ons. I will NOT fail these hurdles!  (laughing uproariously)


On my iPod~

Erm. Action Man has an iTouch. He earned the money to buy it.  Saved his little heart out.
I disabled a TON of things on it. Youtube was the first to go. (what a great Grinchy trick...) We are chatting and regulating like nobody's business. And he has been so good about it.


Towards a real education~

Researching all things Canadian.  Specifically, the customs/border patrol stuff. We're pretty sure Little Dude doesn't need a passport since we are driving through the border. I even called the automaton lady who assured me.
(sigh)
Here's hoping!



Towards rhythm and beauty~

My new decorating scheme? Suitcases! In all shapes and sizes. Looks lovely on any floor. Plus, it has the added benefit of being movable, like up and down the staircases a billion times... just because. (ask Little Boo) and?  You can pick up and leave at a moments notice!

(plus, it contains certain trouble makers quite nicely.)

:P


To live the liturgy~

Confession. I am clearly losing my mind.


I am hoping and praying~

For safe travel.  By plane and car. For calm tempers and tranquil weather.  For happy kids and peaceful parents. And most of all... for a healthy no-sickness 3 weeks!!


In the garden~

No veggies anymore.  Just trying to keep the grass green and the begonias alive. So hot and dry. Hot and dry. Hot and dry....


Around the house~

Piles of clothes... all clean, waiting to be packed up. Lists and lists.  Ugh.


From the kitchen~

Just eating up what we have.  Pork chops and spaghetti, anyone?


One of my favorite things~

Snuggles in the morning. Nursing Little Dude in bed flanked by the two little girls.  All sleepiness. :)


A few plans for the week~

Seriously? :P



A picture thought I am sharing~

Cutie-pie crocs and chunky legs.  Love. it.

:)

Ethan These Days

The last in my insanely long series....  :)

Ethan is our Action Man.  But I seriously think I need to change his blog name to Sleeping Man.  When Ethan turned 13, the dynamics of our home and family took on a whole new charism.

For example.  It seems we now own a humongous St. Bernard.  Ethan shot up like nobody's business these last 6 months and is almost as tall as I am.  With his new height and long limbs comes the interesting feat of having them all constantly under control.  Alas, our new yearling behaves much like a bull in a china shop.  All brawn, no brains.  We will hear various thumps and bumps, and all of us run expecting to see some maimed corpse at the bottom of the stairs, only to find.... yes, it was Ethan, and yes, he fell.... but it was... up the stairs.

:P

The sleep patterns.  Oy, the sleeping patterns.  How they have changed. We now have a nighttime wanderer.  I'll be half-asleep, dying to get into bed, schlepping around getting drinks of water or blankies or whatever, and suddenly a beam of light hits me full in the face.  Just when I think the aliens have come for sure, Ethan's scratchy voice assails me with some hair-brained idea for fixing the whachermacallit and he's off, bounding to the garage, headlamp sending bouncing beams of light everywhere.  He's like his own disco ball and dance partner, rolled into one.

He eats. Does he ever eat! Actually the question should be... does he ever stop eating?   I restrict snacks with the other kids, but not him.  He is constantly hungry.  Period.  I've given up trying to "solve" the hunger problem. I just tell him to go find something to munch on.  And he does.  Pickles, bananas, peanut butter, eggs... it doesn't matter, he'll try anything.  I'm just happy if we can make it an hour between binges. And, as long as he doesn't eat up the dinner I'm hoping to serve that evening, I'm thrilled.

:P

This is the child that tears at my heart the most.  What can I expect? He is the oldest.

Every time I turn around, he is breaking new ground.  There was one particular incident that occurred right around the time Little Dude was born.  Suffice it to say that liberties were taken and trust was broken.  I was devastated.  Yes, probably overreacting, but it broke my heart. Ethan was penitent. Extremely so.  The result was that our relationship has never been the same.  In fact, it has grown exponentially.  Surprising?  Yes.  And I would not have a re-do for all the world over.

 

There is an understanding and a softening of his eyes when I look at him during one of our (many) "trying" moments.  He seems to suddenly remember "that time" my trust was wounded and wanting... and instantly he backs off. He seems to know that having Mom on his side is more important than being "right" and, wanting to preserve the relationship, he acquieces to whatever maddening demand I am making on his time.  He has grown up quite a bit.

Ethan has weathered a few other storms recently.  He played baseball this past spring. I was strangely quiet about that on this blog. We'll just say that he learned a lot.  He learned that even adults do and say ridiculous things. That some people never quite grow up and will forever have a chip on their shoulder.  He also learned that most of the language one hears in a dugout filled with teenagers is not for the ears of siblings, as he deftly would persuade his sisters to sit at the other end of the bleachers during games, and could I please make sure they didn't hang around when he was out on the field? He never complained, was never made fun of, was never cast out... he just dealt with it.  I was very proud of him for that.

And I was very glad that his Dad was there with him, every step of the way.

I still worry.  This is my oldest.  He has so much more ground to cover, so many more goals to reach.  I wonder if he will succeed.  Have we taught him enough? Does he understand how cold and cruel life can be?  Is he ready to venture out?  Yes, I worry a lot.

His first step out comes this fall.  He will go to school, and I will not cry.

But I will be a stronghold for him.

Because, you see, I've got his back.

I know that he knows that.

And I think that will make all the difference in the world.

For Many Reasons...

...not the least of which is because she is simply an awesome writer*....

Please do go visit my sister.

She's been blogging up a storm, and it's all so very lovely.  Makes me look back on my own days with a toddler and a newborn with a sigh of remembered sweetness.

:)


*other reasons may include:
"Tigger" is my godson and unbelievably cute
she and her husband are amazing folks
and... I get to visit them in 3! weeks!

Summer Doldrums?

It's almost July, and I am still waiting for it.  Waiting for the time I look at our days and realize that the routine is so... routine, that I feel like I'm in some sort of cruel Chinese Water Torturing chamber.

Not. Happening.

Our days have been so busy and varied that I fear I will never just plop down and organize the home school room closet just for something to do.

(guess who we went to see play?)

Y'all know that we spend most of our summer days here in the south... inside.  I know, it sounds horrific.  But when the temps climb, the only sound outside is the hum of the air conditioners and cicadas.  Unless you've been blessed with a pool, the neighborhoods are eerily silent.

(Little Boo's fashion show)

We pack it off to the pool about every other day.  Little Dude reacts to this trek by fussing and falling asleep once we get there.  He... endures the pool.  No enjoyment whatsoever. 

I think he got stuck with the wrong family.

:P

Since school ended waaayyyy back in May, we've been recuperating.  At least, I've been.  Homeschooling and writing and teaching made my life insane and I just wanted to kick back for awhile.  Each week, though, brought one thing after another.. all fun, mind you.... but lordy, busy! Besides the fact that my kids still need to eat and have clean clothing.  It seems that life hasn't slowed down much at all.

(Auntie Lil Sis babysits... and does make-overs!)

I'm thinking that this is the new normal.  That this is why it all goes by so quickly.  6 kids under one roof, the oldest a teenager.  Holding my breath, and suddenly he'll be driving... whisking himself and friends and siblings hither and yon.  Poof.  It will be so soon. I really thought that the pattern of our summer days would be slower at least for a few more years.  But with summer soccer practice and camps and water park swim days and sleepovers and more camps and math and impending treks across the western U.S. and Canada.... not to mention DH's crazy work schedule (he's headed to Germany, for heaven's sake... not saying when)

It's been a bit insane.

(Yes, we saw him twice)   :)

As a result, I will have to impose the summer doldrums on myself.  In between trips to the pool and soccer camp, I will pretend to be bored. I will toss aside the books I haven't 've read a million times, and sit with my feet up.  I will call that friend I haven't heard from in ages, I will wipe some door frames and do some extra baking. 

Just so I can believe that it is truly summer.


:)