...nowhere is safe.
Even a one-room Amish Schoolhouse!
Which leads me to my oh-so-brilliant thought for the day:
Homeschooling and being Over-Protective.
DH and I were having this discussion on the way home from church yesterday. He had had a conversation with another homeschooling Dad who declared that he would not allow his son to be an acolyte at any other parish than his own. (due to the whole sexual abuse scandal in the church) While I understand his sentiments, and especially the need to be protective of one's children in this regard, (I have very strong feelings on this particular subject...) this particular family goes a bit "overboard" in guarding their children from forming friendships outside our homeschooling community (and even within it, since I think our family may be part of the 'anathema' list)
Here's the jist.
-We don't make our girls wear skirts all the time.
-I don't wear skirts all the time.
-We allow our children to listen to (some) rock music.
-We allow them to play out front with the neighborhood (public-schooled) kids.
-We go to the parish everyone else left when a new priest came in. Almost everyone else followed the old priest to his new parish.
-We have maintained our friendships with all of our friends, despite their schooling choices. I'm talking rock-solid Catholics, here.
What does this have to do with homeschooling?
Well, I have heard a few Moms admit that the reason they homeschool is that, indeed, they do want to raise their kids in a bubble. They want no outside worldly influence to play any part, or have any effect on their family.
I think that is a baaaaad idea.
What is going to happen to these kids when they <*gasp*> go to the mall?
Will they survive?
Or how about the whole college experience?
I'm sure they will go to an awesome Catholic college, but even there, don't tell me that everyone is a paragon of virtue. How many shotgun weddings do you know occurred after graduation? I can name quite a few. And what about the attraction and excitement of the "unknown'? Will they be too scared to experiment? Or do they have an adventuresome personality with no notion of limits and moderation?
Yes, it is a tightrope walk, this whole raising of children. I claim no authority beyond my limit, no superiority of method here.
All I know, is that forbidden fruit seems sweeter when it is such, and we parents need to play that card only when it a serious serious matter....
-drugs
-pre-marital sex
-not going to mass
-obedience
-treating people with respect
And the virtues will come through perserverance and example, and gentle correction.
So, why do we homeschool? Our reasons are multi-faceted, having to do with the personality of our kids, and my belief that homeschooling is more efficient on many levels. Of course, money is an issue too. I would not send my kids to the local public school here, because we are urban, and there is a gang influence. Not safe, in my opinion. And so, the only other option is an expensive awesome private Catholic school. Maybe when the kids get older...
Any other thoughts...things that I missed?
13 comments:
Great points. Let's face it, life isn't safe.
One of the reasons I love homeschooling is that it allows me build a strong enough relationship with my kids to help prepare them to deal with the complex stuff - not avoid the remote possibility of confronting any of it. I think some parents go even further and try to cushion their children from any sort of failure. If we don't let our children make any choices or even have the possibility of making a mistake once in awhile, we're actually putting them at significant risk for their future.
I agree with Studeo. One of the main reasons we homeschool is because it strengthens all the family relationships. My boys will have each other to face the difficulties and temptations that are sure to come down the road.
Exactly. The family needs to be strong, and then the kids will have that foundation to back them up. And this works even when your kids go to school.
I went to public school my whole life, but was able to keep my faith throughout. I had a strong foundation and parents who listened. It was rough, for sure, but I made it.
As far as sheltering the kids too much, I think it can backfire. And that is a big issue with me.
I DON'T think kids should be exposed to EVERYTHING. Good heavens! Obviously, it's preferable if my kids know nothing about the shenanigans that go on in some schools, kids' families, adults' lives, etc..... I WILL shelter tham from that, until they are old enough to discuss these things. Grade school is too early for (fill in blank)....
However, I don't want them to experience culture shock whenever they walk out the front door!
Anyway, sorry if I'm rehashing here, just wanted to make sure I was clear about my position...
Yup. I homeschool because it's the best education for my kids, because I want to remain the primary influence in my children's lives for as long as possible, and because I want them to remain closely tied to their family more than to the outside world (and because in the military, you move and I want my kids to have a consistant education).
But we have Catholic and non-Catholic friends (and relatives for that matter) and homeschool and non-homeschool friends. And my kids have been exposed to rock music (with strict admonitions to NOT repeat certain lyrics - Dad likes Offspring, what can I say?). And country music has its fair share of inappropriate tunes. But I don't freak out when my kids go to a non-homeschool, non-Catholic neighbor's house to play. And I don't avoid public places like the mall or the streets of DC where there's plenty of interesting people to see.
I'm very cognizant that in 10 years, my oldest boy will have to make it in the big bad world, and I aim to prepare him to handle that world bit by bit in that time.
A neighbor (non-Catholic homeschooler) said that they met a family who had just sent their oldest child to a college that attracts mainly homeschoolers here in Virginia. Since they didn't feel any close ties to their rural home in Pennsylvania, they sold it and moved to be local to their college-aged son. They intend to send all their homeschooled children to the same college now close to home. If you want to overly protect your kids, that's the way to go. But at some point, when will you let go and let them be adults?
We seem to share the same annoyances about "sheltering" HSers, Megan. Phil and I like to joke that we're a bit on the "modern" side compared to a lot of the catholic HSers we know..we wear shorts, listen to all kinds of music outside of classical, and frequent the mall. :) Love your blog, BTW...I'm a daily reader, but don't have time to comment much. Michelle H.
Welcome back, Michelle!
Don't you guys have a blog? I visited once when I got the URL off of Cathswap.....but when I click on your name here, there is no blog...
Could you post the URL here in the comments so I can link to you?
Thanks and Hi to Phil!
I think we have to be careful in disussing this issue and realize that as individuals we all have risks that we are willing or are not willing to take. Our comfort level stems from who we are and where we have come from. Nutmeg, you might have had a very strong family that was a mooring for you as you rode the waves of a public school environment. I come from a broken family and a very dangerous (morally speaking) public school education. My experiences have colored my view of the world and how I handle my children.
A simple example: My mother was terrified of latex balloons because she had a friend (or maybe a friend of a friend) who had a child that suffocated when one popped and a piece of the latex lodged in her throat. My mother was so adamant and outspoken of her dislike of them that it affected me; I share that fear. It is irrational I know, I can argue against it in the logical part of my brain, but the instinctive part goes nuts when I see my kids near one. I am not saying they have never touched a latex balloon, but I could probably count on two hands and have fingers left over the number of times they have come into contact with a latex balloon. Some might say that I am depriving my children of the joys of balloons; that I am denying them one of the joys of childhood. What about when they go to their first college dance, are they going to run screaming from the ballroom when they see a latex balloon fall from the ceiling? The fact of the matter is that I am who I am and a fear is a fear. I will try not to pass it along to my children but in the meantime birthdays around here only come in shades of mylar.
I let my daughters wear shorts and pants and my kids love Weird Al like my husband, but I am selective about the length of the shorts (boys and girls!) and they don't get to hear any Weird Al songs, just the ones my husband has deemed appropriate for their age and maturity level. Ultimately this our job. I don't let my kids play with neighborhood children ( or wouldn't if we had any on our street) because I don't agree with our society's determination of when children are "ready" to know (fill in the blank). If your kid is in public school, they are on that timeline and some bells can't be unrung! I know my children better than anyone else and I don't like society's timeline, I'll make my own thank you very much! It doesn't mean that they will never experience anything worldly. It just means that I reserve the right to determine what they experience, how and when. I added how because I also don't agree with society's notion that the only kind of knowledge is experiential. If my son runs screaming from his first college dorm room because his roomate has hung up a Girls of the Hawaiian Island calendar, I will think of myself as a failure in parenting, but why does society think that the only way to prepare him for that situation is to expose him to it RIGHT NOW.
Yes there are some parents who are too controlling of their children's environment, but ultimately we as parents are responsibile for determining what risks we are comfortable with and what risks we aren't. Aren't we judging those parents with more fears and concerns just as much as they are judging us?
We can only control so much, right? Or should I say so little? I sometimes cry thinking about my children flying the coup and having to make it in the "real-world," but I know that this is the case, and I can't hide big bad reality from them. I do believe that sending my children into an environment like Lord of the Flies (which is kind of what most schools are like, right?) is unwise. Especially so young. I want my children to be who they are first, and then learn to deal with all the junk life throws them. I know that if I had sent my daughter to the local school here, which has a decent reputation, she would come home a different person. And why? For the sake of learning? I think not. She learns way more here with me. And she gets to be herself. And, I do allow her to play with friends who are not Catholic, or homeschooled. I would only not allow her to play with someone for serious reasons. I think it is good for her to know that not everyone is Catholic and homeschooled -- and that is okay.
CMW, as always, you make excellent points!!
I have many "irrational" fears....
I don't really think they are irrational, I think they are sound mothering instincts. Whenever my TWO year old puts something in her mouth, I demand she gives it to me, b/c the thought that goes through my head is, "How will I feel as I watch the paramedics perform CPR on her....all because I was too lazy to make her take that rock our of her mouth, and now it has blocked her esophagus?" And there are many many other thoughts that make me shiver in the night, making it hard for me to get back to sleep.....
And so,yes, our job is to protect our children.
And how we do that and the issues we choose as most important depend upon our own upbringing and things that have occurred in our own lives. (as I said before, I am very sensitive to certain issues for a reason)
My husband is a big help to me, gently correcting me when I freak out that the boys are getting rough in their wrestling, or riding their bikes too fast, etc. He helps me to remember that they are boys and need some space....especially away from Mama. They need adventure, and challenge...(a good book in this is "Wild at Heart".)
OK, so back to judging. Are we judging the other parents, and their decisions as to how protective they are? I guess we are looking at what they allow and deciding for ourselves how necessary those restrictions are, and how they may affect the child in the long run. Is that saying that those parents are bad parents? Maybe implicitly, but that is not my intent. My intent is to just examine the issue as a whole, to explore different approaches. I certainly don't have the corner on the parenting market here!
From experience I know that too much sheltering can backfire in a big bad way.....and that is one of things I would like to guard against in our house.
That said, I do not want the outside world to hold too much attraction to my kids, all because I have set the wrong example by allowing too much of society in!
And that is the balance that I wanted to explore here.
For the record, I consider your parenting style to be very similar to mine, and am glad to have renewed the friendship between our families!
I hope this clears things up (in a muddied sort of way????) LOL
Thanks for making sure that our intentions are purely intellectual, and not uncharitable.
ps. We have a "no chewing on balloons" rule in my house!
The reminder is more for myself than for others. It has taken me a long time to figure out that just because someone makes different choices as a parent doesn't mean that my choices are wrong or that I have to prove them right. I still struggle a bit with this mentality, but try to remind myself as often as necessary that on some issues, there isn't a universal right and wrong. As educated Catholics, I think we all know what issues have a universal right and wrong. When it comes to the decisions of parenting, we have to go with our gut a lot. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I think the attitude that you and hubby were reacting to was the implied notion that I have experienced too from others in the same community; if you don't do it my way then you are doing it wrong! People like this don't understand the burden and guilt they are laying on us sensitive types who are already beating ourselves up for self-perceived mistakes and inferiorities.
Another quick example that I have used before:
I am a morning person and my SIL is not. I don't think she should be a morning person or that I am a better person than her because early rising is one of the unspoken virtues! ( I know people who do think this and it makes me laugh.) As long as she is not annoyed by my early rising and I promise never to call before 9 am we get along just fine even though we have very different schedules. Neither one is going to keep us from Heaven.
I too am very glad that we have reconnected and we can't wait to get to spend more time getting to know your family better. Take care and thanks for all of the great thinking posts! They have helped take my mind off the oh so enjoyable world of sinus pain!
I'd like to expand on some of C.M.W.'s comments.
To me, one of the problems the "protective" vs. "permissive" parent debate is that too often each side feels like their parenting style is simply being attacked, so they launch a counter-attack designed to silence the perceived criticism, i.e. "You let your kids listen to evil music!" "Your kids are too scared to open the door to their own grandmother!" and so on.
This is sad, because I think both sides could stand to learn from each other. I tend to lean toward the "protective" side, but my husband is a little more inclined to bring our kids toward pop culture, and vice versa, and there are times when his comfort with the culture definitely benefits my kids. On the other hand, he has learned from me, too, and answered a criticism from his mother ("Why don't you let the kids play at the park by themselves?) by informing her that my latest search of a sex offender registry had turned up an offender living five doors down from us who could easily follow our daughters to the park at the end of our street.
That, by the way, is one of the main reasons for my protective style. At the present time, one in 5 girls and one in 6 boys will be molested by his/her 18th birthday, most often by someone they are acquainted with. And there are other crimes in the area where I live that have changed the way I do things: armed home invasion robberies, for instance, that happen when someone answers the door to someone they don't know or aren't expecting.
But aside from crime prevention, most of the things we do are based on personal preference. I don't let my daughters play with the preteen boys who ride skateboards in our neighborhood because my husband heard the foul sexual comments they were shouting at another young girl. Will they have to deal with this sort of thing one day? Sure, but I'd rather wait till they're a bit older, while a more permissive parent might view this as a perfect educational opportunity. I prefer classical music (no, really, no highbrow stuff here; I also get into English grammar:) so it's not virtuous of me to share it with my kids, but when there is rock music around (car, mostly) I insist on the channel being changed when songs with inappropriate lyrics come on. Again, will my daughters have to deal with that stuff? Sure, but I'd prefer them to be a bit older so they can weigh the demands of socialization with the Church's teachings regarding the sixth commandment in a mature way. But I don't look down on parents who choose to let these songs stay on the radio while explaining that we shouldn't actually say such things ourselves. In my case, I think the more permissive parents are acting in good faith with the same motives I have: to raise good Catholic kids who will respond to God's call to holiness and to His specific plan for their lives.
One final thought: my biggest problem in this area is with people who for whatever reason will NOT credit the opposing parents with good motives. There are those parents who think you are sinning in some way, stunting your children's growth, if you don't let them run free in the neighborhood. Conversely, there are those who think it's evil to let women and girls wear pants, and shriek in horror at tank tops. In both cases a little charity would go a long way.
That's right! You left a comment on my post with the TAC pictures, I think, right? Here's my address...come and visit sometime. Our blog is mostly just for extended family who live far away,to keep them in the loop with pictures and stories about the kiddies, so it's not posted publicaly. I don't have any readers outside of my mom, sister, and mother-in-law. :) But please feel free to link to me, if you like.
http://www.philhalpin.com/blog/kidsstuff.html
Michelle H.
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