Life in a Nutshell
Last night I was up until 1am chatting with my homeschool co-op mates about our plans for the upcoming school year. All of us have our curriculums planned out and set up. We know what we will use to teach our respective co-op class, we discussed our goals for each class and the benefits and possible drawbacks of the co-op setting. It was a very fruitful discussion.
One of the topics touched upon was that of disclipline. It's hard to be a mama of a very strong-willed 8 1/2 year old boy. My oldest has his own sense of what he wants/needs to be doing. Some of it is acceptable. A lot of it is not. Like, for example, antagonizing his sister's Barbie dolls with his light saber, wrestling his younger brother awy from the book he is reading, scaring his youngest sister as she runs down the hallway......etc. In other words, he is an "in your face" kind of kid. It has taken us years (literally) to convince him that when our friends come over, it is not an invitation for him to start jumping on them or wrestling them. That the proper behavior is just to simply sit (oh, horrors!) and chat, or go play.
As a result of this constant barrage of "(DS #1) hit/scared/took something away from/won't let/ me whatever....." I am constantly on DS #1's back about every infraction. I must admit, a lot of it is just a knee-jerk reaction to his very being around, unfortunately. I'm so used to him causing the uproar, that I immediately call out his name as soon as chaos erupts. (BTW, about 90% of the time....it is him!) But I realize how utterly unfair it is of me to have this preconceived notion of him.
Here is my conundrum. I want him to develop into a smart, obedient, respectful young man. I also want his spirit, his sense of himself to emerge unscathed. Furthermore, I want him to trust me and what I say. In order to accomplish all of these ideals, I need to tread a very thin line. If I constantly nag him about every little thing, he will tune me out, and not take anything I say seriously. (And then what will happen when later on down the road he wants to date someone who is unsuitable or if he needs advice about a very important decision? He will not seek out my thoughts and that may have drastic consequences, since he may also reject outright what he knows my position would be, thus rejecting what he knows to be right in regards to the Faith.) However, if I don't exhort him to combat his weaknesses and practice virtue, he will have a harder time overcoming them when he gets older.
And he is such an imaginative kid! He really is driven when he is interested in something, and loves to "take charge" and "come to the rescue", just like a little man. There are a lot of virtues that can be easily cultivated in him, and others that will not be so easy.
My plan of action? Pray. Really. I've re-started my prayer life (again....you know the drill, I fall off the wagon constantly!) I really need some supernatural help with this one. I think I take his actions way too seriously, and attribute a malignancy (is that a word?) that isn't there. I think that when he messes up, I need to nonchalantly ask him if that's the best way to act, and then leave it. Frequent confession will help him as well.....and me! I plan to take the kids to adoration on Friday mornings when we start school, just for 20 min or so. Hopefully our parish priest can meet us in the church once a month to hear our confessions.
Any thoughts out there? Anyone else have that one personality that drives you up the wall?
6 comments:
Yes, my son is very stuborn. It is very difficult to deal with once he gets something in his head.
Stay consistent, remember you are in control so no need to shout. Sometimes punishment without warning is very effective.
First time: Pick up your toys please its time for bed.
Five minutes later: Are you picking up your toys?
three minutes later: You haven't picked up your toys? Okay go to bed, no story. Lights out.
That story at night is their little bit of heaven right now. It's the equivalent of sever punishment.
Kids don't have a good sense of reason or cause and effect. So giving them endless choices and redirecting does not always work.
I would agree to an extent that you have to find each chid's currency when it comes to discipline. For my oldest, losing his reading time before bed is devastating. Not so for the younger girls.
I have talked a lot about this with other parents and there seems to be something about that oldest child that makes for more dificult times. I say this as an oldest child myself (can you say control issues?). Whether it be in the area of discipline as you have expressed or in the area of trust as it is for my son, these first born wonders are much more dificult to figure out. I do not think this is just an oldest son issue either as my good friend who has 3 daughters would probably say the same thing about her oldest. Prayer is a must (our wagons must be riding along the same bumpy road). I have to remind myself that they have a journey in life that God has designed not me. I try to instill the important things like love of God, respect for others and their property, etc...and then let the sacrament of confession take a little bit off your plate. Find a good confessor! It makes such a difference for DS #1 when we go to a confessor who offers him spiritual direction. We have been taking him once a month for a year now and I can see a difference in his attitude afterwards depending on who his confessor was.
Also, having someone point out to me that sometimes I was trying to make them complete persons RIGHT NOW, that they had to see the whole world as I see it, RIGHT NOW was doing God a disservice. As moms we think,"I don't want them to have to go through what I did, I want them to have the fullness of understanding that I have now." They will grow in wisdom and understanding just like we did at the pace that Our Lord has set for them.
Good luck with the start of school. Hope we can plan some play dates with you guys or even the whole coop. I think homeschooling moms need inservice days too!
Thanks for your comments, guys. Both of you offer some great advice.
I think my biggest problem is what you articulated, CMW. I expect my children to operate at a level that is completely unrealistic for their age. And so I end up attributing intentions behind their actions that just aren't even on their radar yet. I need to allow them to make mistakes but gently correct, not project 20 years into the future every time they mess up. :)
We'd love to see you guys again, CMW! Have you started school yet?
We are starting on the 21st but will definately be making time for fun stuff. I'll ring you!
I know what you mean about unrealistic expectations. I have to remind myself to stop and think about myself as a child and look at myself now and say,"Only by the grace of God......" Now, that is very different than to say, "Hey, I turned out OK so I shouldn't worry about anything." I think we still have a duty as parents to not make the mistakes we are aware of in our lives or others. We also have to allow for different personalities and temperaments. I try to remind myself often that my children are made in God's image, not my image. Some things are completely out of our control and that is a lesson that is tough for this oldest child to remember. I try. I fail. I try again.
You just described Joey exactly. Eerily so, both strengths and weaknesses. I have no advice for you, unfortunately, since I am working through these things blindly myself, but it is oh-so-helpful to know that there are other moms with very similar challenges. If you find something that works, particularly with homeschooling, please share it and I promise to do the same.
I start homeschooling today (8/21) too, CMW, and I'll let you know, Suzanne, how it goes.
Lord, help us!
:)
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